Overwhelming

Okay, I have to confess. I may have exaggerated my progress. Well, actually, I felt myself falling back into old insecurities and old habits. I overcompensated by trying to feel like I had my shit together. Well, I may not have really had it all down. I started feeling my heart palpitating in my chest. I was putting too much pressure on myself to be different and never revert to my old laziness, judgement, and sometimes negative outlook on life. The palpitations grew stronger, and I just felt like balling my eyes out and putting off everything I have to do. I literally started school a day prior, and I was feeling so stressed out. My inner turmoil was strong, and I was feeling weak. I didn’t really know what to do, and I was lashing out at my mom. I am also using past tense right now when that may not be entirely accurate, but we aren’t going to talk about that right now.

So that first paragraph may not have made much sense to you. That is okay; I’m not entirely sure it makes sense to me. What I was trying to get across was that I was incredibly optimistic about all of the work I’ve done on myself this summer in my last blog post. During my first day of school I felt confident, excited, and friendly. I really wanted to feel different this school year. I wanted to feel confident and strong and sure of myself. I didn’t want to care what anyone else thinks of me. I wanted to feel like a whole new person. Well, news flash: I am me. I love myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get irritated with myself sometimes. For example, I like to put pressure on myself. This pressure gets especially heavy once I have done something I feel proud of. I won an award in tennis last year. Afterwards, my tennis game started dwindling because I thought the award would solve all of my problems in tennis. When things weren’t changing, I started getting frustrated and fed up with it. I had always tried my best, but it felt like I was getting nowhere. Things kept spiraling until I had a panic attack after a tournament and consequently took a two month break. Honestly, I am still figuring out how tennis fits into my life even now. I know that I enjoy it, but I don’t know that I can handle playing at the level I had been.

I brought that up to say that I am kind of doing the same thing to myself now. I am feeling extremely stressed out. My chest feels tight, and my heart is palpitating. I tried to ignore it at first because I wanted to achieve the impossible: I wanted to be perfect. I never again wanted to succumb to human feelings of insecurity and fear. I wanted to instantly be able to talk to everyone with a big smile on my face. I wanted to never again be afraid to speak in front of a group. I wanted to never judge others or care if others judged me. Well, guess what; that’s impossible. I read self-help books this summer that were helping me to find my inner awesomeness, and I found it. That meant that all of my problems would fall away, right? Not exactly. Things don’t just change overnight. Then, right when school started, I felt myself begin to pack on the pressure. Because I had read those books and had all of this new information, I would never again second guess myself or feel unmotivated or feel worried. Why, then, was I feeling that way? I made it through! I came out of the summer a whole new person with great habits. I self-helped and was productive. That meant that I would never again have to feel bad about myself for not feeling motivated to make my life easier. That meant that I would always get my work done early, allowing myself to never again feel stressed. I would never take anything personally again. I would never make assumptions again. I would never let negativity invade my thoughts. I would never tire of meeting new people. I would never run out of energy.

Wow, even writing that out exhausted me. I know what you’re thinking, “Hannah, no one can ever do all of the things that you just wrote down. No one can ever be that perfect. You don’t need to hold yourself to those impossible standards.” If that was in fact what you were thinking, you would be exactly right. And I know that. I know that I can never be perfect, and that I will have days where I fall short. My brain just has a screwed up way of thinking about things sometimes. I am trying to tame it, but it is difficult. That is why I have been feeling kind of crazy. I have been trying to rationalize that the burning in my chest is not because I have crazy high expectations that I’m not meeting. I push the feelings of discomfort lower and lower and try not to think about it. In not thinking about it, I revert to old habits of watching Netflix instead of getting shit done. I put things off when I know it will only stress me out more later, but I just don’t want to deal. This is my usual pattern after I make some great move in my life that makes me feel like I have finally done it. I have finally made it over that hump.

Well, the truth is that I will never be safely over that hump. I can’t let down; I can’t feel like I have made it through the storm and then be ignorant to the panic rising up inside me. No, I will never be perfect. No, I will never totally have my shit together. No, I will not be able to fully rid myself of human emotions (worry, fear, etc.). It is actually not possible. If I think that it is, I will always end up feeling crazy and panicked. I won’t be able to keep up with the pressure rising just beneath the surface. So what do I do about it? I fight on. I tell myself that I am okay, and that I will always be okay. I make sure that I am always doing my best. Some days my best will be like this summer: full of progress and self-helpery. Some days my best will be barely making it through the shitstorm in my brain that threatens to throw me into a full-fledged panic. All I know is that I can always work on myself, and I can always grant myself grace. That grace puts my crazy mind at ease because it whispers, “You are okay. You will always be okay.” I can also always pray to God (again, you may have a different spiritual power in your life or you may have none at all, but I know my life is so much better because I find comfort in a higher being). When I do this, I feel calm and at peace. I feel like any adversity that comes my way, including my own thoughts, will not tear me down. I know that God is always with me and always upholding me. This brings me peace. If I did not have that peace, I don’t know what I would do.

I may have rambled a lot in this post today, but it is because my thoughts are a little jumbled. I am working hard to grant myself grace and continue the work I did on myself this summer. It is scary to think that I will never be able to have my life all figured out (that is where the panic comes from). I will never be perfect and will never always be able to be positive and happy and confident. I will have off days just like everybody else. That means that I can’t freak out because of a minor setback. It means that I need to rise up and shine like the freaking supernova I was meant to be (that is one of my favorite quotes). It means that I need to embrace my awesomeness and be the badass I know that I am (I read You are a Badass this summer, and it changed my life). Everyone has the power to choose how they regard themselves and how they handle setbacks in life. I know I need to work on not putting pressure on myself, but I also know that I have the power to do that. Let’s just hope that I don’t put too much pressure on myself to not put pressure on myself. Wish me luck.

P.S. I don’t usually cuss ever, but sometimes when I am feeling frustrated and crazy, cussing makes me feel better. It helps me get my emotions out, and I am really bad at doing that. I hope you won’t be offended by it, but even if you are, I hope you realize that it is just helping me cope. And if you’re still upset about it, sucks to suck. It’s my blog.

P.P.S. I know that my form of cussing to get my frustrations out may seem mild compared to other people. After all, I only used one colorful word, but that one four-letter word really made me feel a little rebellious and a whole lot better. Hey, whatever works, right?