The sun shines down on my face, giving the illusion of a perfect day. Rays of light try to disguise the overall pain I feel. I walk along the path, on a mission. I want to see someone I haven’t seen in a while. I want to talk to him and tell him that I have time for him. I want to reminisce about the snow days where he attached my sled to his four-wheeler and drove me around. I hear only my breathing and the chirping of the birds. Oh what a happy day, I say to myself, my sarcasm doing nothing to deter the birds. My footsteps echo on the beaten path in between the perfectly groomed grounds.
This time when I look up from staring at my feet, I see flowers. Every shade, every breed, every size gazing up at me from their spots tucked into the ground. It is apparent that someone recently placed them here. Maybe they were put here for me. What a selfish thought. I scold myself and continue on, unwilling to enjoy this bright day. How could I?
I decided to park far away to give myself time to think. I run over my talking points in my head. I want to tell him that I love him. That is first and foremost. Next, I want to tell him that I’m sorry. I am sorry for avoiding him in the mornings when I just wasn’t feeling a conversation. I am sorry for not telling him how much I appreciate him. Regrets are easy to get stuck on, but I will try to change up the conversation and tell him how grateful I am that I was able to meet him, that he was able to be a part of my life.
With every step, I get closer to him, closer to the pain and excitement I am feeling. My breath catches in my throat, and I have to take a pause. I don’t know if I am ready. I realize that I spent so much time observing the day and not enough time mentally preparing for this moment. The wounds are still fresh and throbbing. My chest tightens while my stomach turns. I know that he thinks that I am strong. I know I am strong. I can do this.
Nearing the turnoff for his plot, I pray a silent prayer, Please help me. I don’t know if I can do this. Past memories start to cloud my brain, and I wish them away. I can’t let them ruin this moment. I need to be strong, just like he was. My footsteps quicken as I see his spot, my excitement building. I am so ready to see him again, to talk to him again. Now only a few steps away, I think, This is right. This is what this day was preparing me for.
I step up to him. The sun is staring at me from the sky, seemingly cheering me on. The birds keep chirping encouragement and advice. The flowers sparkle and meet my eye. They say that I am ready. I set down the Shohin tree that I brought for him. I close my eyes. I picture him in front of me, standing with open arms. In my mind, I give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I see his smile, see the tears in his eyes. I know he is as happy to see me as I am to see him.
I smell his cologne mixed with his sweat after planting trees all through the neighborhood. I see his skin, slightly damaged from years in the sun and a shade of reddish tan. I feel his strong grip as he hugs me again. I hear his husky voice, I am happy to see you.
You have no idea, I think back. I feel a tear fall from beneath my closed eyelid onto my cheek, warm from the sun. I dive right in. I tell him a mix of I miss you, I’m sorry, and how are you, my rehearsed points gone with the wind. I also update him on what life is like here now, without him. I tell him it is lonely and sad. I tell him, Abuelo, why now? Maybe I need to ask God, but I want to know the reason.
He smiles back at me, I have no answers for you mija. I can only tell you that I am okay, and that you are okay. We will be reunited. Until then, live your life with the sun on your face and no apologies on your lips. The tears flow freely now. I squeeze my eyes shut, not willing to open them and see my abuelo disappear again from my life. Just when I think the tears will subside, a sob racks my body. My stomach flips and my cheeks are coated with a brand new collection of tears. Abuelo looks at me and tells me, Mija, you are okay. I am not gone. I will always be with you. Te extraño y te quiero.
Then my imagination betrays me, and he is gone. A new wave of pain hits, debilitating and fierce. I take a moment to compose myself and feel the warmth in the air start to dry my tears. I breathe deeply in tune with the singsong of the birds. I turn to the tree I brought for abuelo. I show it to his headstone and look for the perfect place to plant it. Careful not to step on him, I find the perfect place. Someone planted vivid flowers around the edges of his headstone, leaving a single space big enough for the tree. When I begin digging a whole, the birds chirp as if to say, You have found the spot. He will love it.
I feel the dirt in my hands. I hold it there to tell myself that this is reality. That I am as real as the dirt. The soil cakes in my fingernails. I keep removing dirt until I am left with a hole big enough for the Shohin. I remove the tree from its temporary home and place it in its forever home. My tears christen the soil. As I push the dirt up around the trunk of the miniscule tree, my body is warmed by the sun. The birds tell me that I am okay. The flowers show me that I am at peace in this moment. Now my tears flow in reverie at this beautiful experience. I know that abuelo is here with me. I know that he is enjoying this day too and all of the guilt fades away.
We sit, together, admiring the Shohin and the sun and the birds and the flowers. We don’t have to say anything; we both are perfectly happy at this time. The sun starts to fall in the sky, letting me know that it is time to go. I am so filled with joy that I can’t be sad that I have to leave him again. We had a wonderful afternoon together, and he knows that I will be back. And I know that he will never leave me. He is smiling down at me from the sky, speaking to me through the winged creatures, and showing me his love through the plants.
I kiss him goodbye and tell him that I will be back again tomorrow. I begin the trek back to my car. My footsteps echo on the beaten path as the light fades into darkness.
Faking It Made 