Hanlod

Repeating History

Hate

Bigotry

Pain

War

Ignorance

Repeat

No listening

No learning

No communicating effectively

We bicker

We raise our voices

To reiterate the fact that we are right

And you are wrong

There is no gray area

I hate you because you don’t believe what I believe

I will not listen to your experience

I will not try to understand why you believe what you do

Instead

I will complain

I will yell

I will cry

I will scream

That it’s not fair

That people are crazy

That our country is doomed

I will feel helpless

Hopeless

All fight gone

All drive gone

Limp

And lifeless

I will continue the cycle

Hate

Bigotry

Pain

War

Ignorance

I will live in my bubble

I will not listen to you

I will not love you

I will not do anything

But wait

Wait for the time when I do not have to feel angry

For a time when all of those around me believe like me

For a time when we can all agree

For a time when I do not have to raise my voice just to try to be heard

I will wait

And nothing will get done

With the cold weather starting, it feels so good to curl up on the couch and watch a good movie. Let me tell you something; I’m in love! I’m in love! And I don’t care who knows it! If you don’t know where that is from, I’m not mad, just disappointed. If that didn’t tell you, I seriously love movies. I will share a few of my favorites with you now. I have seen each one of these movies at least three times, but many of them I have seen many more times than that. Yes some of these are chick flicks, so if you have an aversion to chick flicks, still watch them anyways and tell me how they changed your mind about chick flicks. Also, I am going to put my favorite quotes from the movies before I tell you about them.

1. The Proposal

“Marry me, because I’d like to date you.”

“There it is.”

In this movie, Andrew (Ryan Reynolds) plays the assistant to his uptight and cold editor boss, Margaret (Sandra Bullock). When she is about to be deported for failing to follow the rules of her Visa application (she’s from Canada), she ropes Andrew into marrying her to allow her to keep her job. They spend a weekend together, and needless to say, their feelings about each other change.

I love this movie because it stars amazing actors like Ryan Reynolds (who is extremely attractive, I might add), Sandra Bullock (also quite beautiful), and Betty White. It is extremely hilarious and wonderfully done. Sandra’s character also has my dream job: editor of a publication. If this one doesn’t hook you on chick flicks, I don’t know what will.

2. Hot Pursuit

“Just fall on me like a sack of potatoes.”

“You see, once a month my uterus sheds its lining…”

Hot Pursuit follows Officer Rose Cooper (Reese Witherspoon) as she struggles to follow in her father’s footsteps after an unfortunate mistake. Her first big break is a huge responsibility; she is in charge of ensuring the safety of Daniella Riva (Sofia Vergara), a witness set to testify against a notorious crime lord, Vicente Cortez. They run into some problems and have to figure out who they can trust.

This one never fails to make me laugh. It also has the bloopers at the end which automatically makes any movie better in my opinion. I love the jokes and the storyline and the twists.

3. How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days

“I love you Benny, but I don’t have to like you right now.”

“Drama, drama, drama.”

Wow, what a classic. Andie Anderson (Kate Hudson) is the resident How-to Girl at Composure magazine. When an opportunity arises for her to step out of her column and write about more important things, she takes it. Benjamin Barry (Matthew McConaughey) has an opportunity of his own at his advertising job. She needs to scare away a guy, and he needs to make a woman fall in love with him; what could go wrong?

I love this one for so many reasons, but I will only name a few. I want to be a journalist, and Andie is a journalist. Benjamin is hot and charming, and I like to watch attractive and romantic characters in movies. Lastly, the movie is hilarious, and I love to be able to quote funny lines, a talent that is not at all necessary but extremely rewarding (at least to me).

4. Bruce Almighty

“It’s a B-E-A-utiful day!”

“Smite me, oh mighty smiter!”

I just shared this one with one of my closest friends who had been deprived of the wonderfulness that is Bruce Almighty. Bruce Nolan (Jim Carrey) has hit a difficult patch in his life. When he is passed up for a great promotion at work, it is just the icing on the cake. He is convinced that God is out to get him. God (Morgan Freeman) meets with him and gives Bruce his godly powers. Believing he knows what is best, Bruce uses his powers to give himself everything he feels should be his. If you didn’t already guess it, things start getting a little bit crazy.

Before I tell you why I love this movie, just look at the fabulous cast: Jim Carrey, Morgan Freeman, Steve Carell, and Jennifer Aniston. Okay now first, I love it when people try to explain God. I think it is great, and it honestly helps me feel closer to God. This movie also makes me feel like I can understand God better. Additionally, there are many laugh-out-loud moments that, in my opinion, have the ability to make anyone’s day. It is great, trust me.

5. A Little Bit of Heaven

“Not really, this is just the way you wanted to see me.”

“You won a free day of hang gliding where you’ll learn to fly!”

Marley Corbett (Kate Hudson (do you see a trend?)) is a hard-working woman who doesn’t believe in love. When a routine colonoscopy informs her that she has cancer, Marley meets God (Whoopi Goldberg) who grants her three wishes. God decides the final wish for her. Through this news, many changes occur in her life, including finding love with Dr. Julian Goldstein (Gael García Bernal).

I have dished a little bit on my blog about my struggles with vulnerability and letting my emotions out. Let me tell you something; this movie helps me get out my emotions. Surely when you saw that it was about cancer you figured it was a tearjerker. If not, newsflash: it’s a tearjerker. It never fails to make me cry. It also tries to explain a little bit about God, and I love it.

6. Another Cinderella Story

“Check out my totally invisible finger!”

“Buh buh baby got bacne.”

Okay, this was my childhood. Mary Santiago (Selena Gomez) was left as an orphan when her mother, a backup dancer for Dominique Platt (Jane Lynch), passed away. Dominique took her in as a live-in maid. Dominique and her two daughters are intent on making Mary’s life miserable and keeping her from following her dream of becoming a dancer. When Mary meets popstar Joey Parker (Drew Seeley) at a masked dance, she thinks her dream might actually be attainable. Full of mean girls and the classic plot of Cinderella, this movie takes you through the emotional roller coaster that is adolescence.

When I say this was my childhood, I mean it. I have been a huge fan of Selena for forever, so of course I love this movie. I also am a huge fan of stories that modernize fairy tales. The music in it is great, and Jane Lynch’s character is perfectly evil.

7. Made of Honor

“Could someone who is not a misogynist pass the Splenda?”

“We have many gay and lesbian members of the congregation.”

In this beauty of a movie, Tom (Patrick Dempsey) and Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) meet in an unfortunate way in college. This meeting sparked a lasting friendship. Now in their adulthood, Tom and Hannah see each other every day until Hannah gets an opportunity to travel to Scotland. Tom is a major player and doesn’t realize that he wants to be with Hannah and quit sleeping around until Hannah comes back from Scotland with a fiancé. Hannah names Tom her maid of honor, and he obliges with one goal in mind: to steal the bride.

Wow, where do I begin? For starters, one of the main characters shares a name with me, so that is a major plus. I also love a good play on words. This movie really is fabulous because of its cast too. It is great when your favorite actors from an amazing tv show (Grey’s Anatomy) work together on a movie too. Kevin McKidd plays Hannah’s Scottish fiancé, and of course I already mentioned Patrick Dempsey. Busy Phillips is so funny as well, and she plays a jealous bridesmaid. Except, she is not jealous of the bride; she’s jealous of the maid of honor.

8. Red (1 and 2)

“This is just like Love’s Savage Secret.”

“He made the run to emotional safety.”

Red and Red 2 are about a retired CIA agent named Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) who keeps getting pulled back into the business. Red stands for Retired Extremely Dangerous. The first movie follows Frank’s quest to defeat the people terrorizing him and his love interest, Sarah Ross (Mary-Louise Parker). Frank gets his old crew back together for some much-needed help (Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich). The second movie follows Frank and Sarah’s now quiet life as their safety is threatened again. This time they must uncover sensitive information that will allow them to save society.

Okay, first I think the cast speaks for itself. Second, I am a sucker for a good action movie, especially one that stars Bruce Willis as a beast of a man. I love the stunts. I love the plot. I love the characters. I love the humor. I love this movie.

9. Miss Congeniality

“Hey! I’m gliding here!”

“April 25th because it’s not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”

Gracie Hart (Sandra Bullock), an FBI agent, makes a big error while on the job. Desperate to make things right and help catch the Citizen, a notorious criminal, Gracie agrees to go undercover at the site of the Citizen’s impending attack: The Miss United States Pageant. Now as Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey, Gracie gets a makeover, learns the ropes, and starts forming relationships to find the killer. As time is running out, Gracie must discover the perpetrators and keep the contestants, her newfound friends, safe.

This is another trend as you can see; this movie is about another government agency. I love the action and humor in this movie. Sandra Bullock is an outstanding actress, and you may also have noticed that she is already on this list too. I just love the production of this movie, the strong female lead, and the love aspect of this movie that makes it a chick flick. Please don’t let that turn you away from this movie because it is seriously so great.

10. Game Night

“Oh no, he died!”

“How can that be profitable for Frito-Lay?”

Okay, last one. Game Night follows a group of friends who have game nights together (wow, shocker!). Max (Jason Bateman) and Annie (Rachel McAdams) are having trouble conceiving a child. When their doctor tells them it could be psychological, Max and Annie resolve that it stems from Max’s rivalry with his brother Brooks (Kyle Chandler) and set out to beat him at the upcoming game night he is hosting. This game night is unlike any other with a fake-kidnapping turned real kidnapping and a jealous neighbor. They must determine what is real and what is fake and stay alive during this crazy night.

This movie is hilarious, well-done, and just amazing. I saw it twice in theaters. Then I bought it and watched it again. It is a really funny movie with so many twists and turns. I love the concept behind it, and the cast is great. It is a feel-good comedy with lots of action and suspense thrown in. That is the recipe for a perfect movie in my opinion.

PSA:

If you have not seen one or more of the movies on this list, I urge you to watch them. Please do it for me. If you do it for me, you will in turn be doing it for yourself because you will find that these will be your new favorites too. If you don’t like them, at least you broadened your horizons and did something nice for someone else. I would really appreciate it. Now, “Be the miracle.” Brownie points to whoever can tell which movie that is from.

Procrastination Contamination

Uhh, I’ve been shot. No, not with flying Mexican food (if you got that reference, brownie points for you). I have been infected, injected, hit hard, etc. with the procrastination bug. So much for all of my progress, right? Right now I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to plan for college. I don’t want to do my homework. I don’t want to clean my room. You may be wondering what it is that I actually want to do. Well, for starters, I want to eat. I want to eat unhealthy things. Thank goodness we do not have many unhealthy foods at my house. Also, thank goodness that foods I might be inclined to want outside of my house cost money. That is one thing I really don’t want to do: spend money.

What I want to do is watch Netflix. Or Youtube. Or both. I want to waste away my days binging Hart of Dixie for the second time or flooding my brain with the mindless comedy of The Office for the second time or exploring one of the many new Netflix originals.

The point is I don’t want to do anything actually beneficial for myself. Why exactly is that? I am not entirely sure, but I have been procrastinating so much. I am procrastinating writing this. I just played games on my phone instead of writing this. And I am writing this instead of doing my chemistry homework. It is a vicious cycle. The funny thing is, when I actually sit down and work on the things I need to work on, I can bust them out. It is easy and fun. I end up proud of myself. Imagine all I could get done if I removed the procrastination detours and utilized every second I have. I started an online PE class (I know it sounds insane, but it all works) on Tuesday. My first assignment, a one-page paper double-spaced about using heart rate monitors (easy right?), was not due until Thursday night at midnight. I was extremely happy about this and knew that I could get it done early and start on the next assignments. Well, I put it off because it was so easy that I didn’t know where to start. Anyways, once I sat down and actually put my mind to it, I finished it in less than twenty minutes. I haven’t gotten my grade back, but I felt pretty confident about it. That was a great example of how actually working on something allows you to get it done. It’s such a foreign concept, I know.

Right now I am struggling so hard with procrastination. I think I am close to getting over it, but I am not over that hump yet. I need to work on all of my stuff for scholarships and college applications. That is part of my problem. I start thinking about everything I have to get done, and I get overwhelmed. That makes me want to put it off, making me much more stressed later. It is a great experience. I really get irritated with myself when I end up extremely stressed.

This may seem like there is no hope, but I refuse to believe that. I know I can kick it in gear. I just have to want it and motivate myself. I don’t think I am the only one with procrastination sickness, especially among my fellow seniors. I am going to do some spitballing here to see if I can come up with some good ideas to help us all recover. First, I got the apple update (don’t ask me which one, but the newest one as of right now). There is a new feature called screen time. For all of my non-apple users, I am sure there are either programs on your phones or an app you can get that will function similarly. Anyways, with screen time, you can limit your time on certain apps. I don’t know about you, but the most common way for me to procrastinate is to dilly dally on my phone. It is still easy to keep using the apps once you run “out of time,” but at least you are aware of how often you are on your phone. It is a way to keep yourself more accountable.

Another option for us procrastinators is to establish a routine where you write out your to-do list for each day. I already do this, but I really slacked in the beginning of this week (I am finally back on track for this aspect at least). Writing out what you hope to get done is extremely helpful in keeping you organized and on track. Update: I just came back to writing this (it’s been a couple days), and I slacked on my to-do list again. I am planning to get back on track, though, and that has to count for something.

As you can see, I procrastinated writing this. I am procrastinating the articles I need to write for my school’s magazine. I am procrastinating my college essay and scholarship applications. It is a period of extreme procrastination for me. It has been getting me down, but hey, I am finishing this post. I just need to celebrate each victory. Every single time I get something done (and I always do), I end up realizing how easy it was to complete. I always discover that if I had just sat down and put in some effort, I would have been finished and actually had time to hang out and relax. I am writing this so that I can remember. With a little focus, I can accomplish all of the things I need to get done and more. For all of us procrastinators (I really hope this is relatable and not just me rattling on about one of my weaknesses for all to read), we can discipline ourselves. We can utilize our resources, like screen time, to stay focused. We can keep lists and remember what it feels like to be done. Most of all, we can realize that we are not alone (hopefully you understand my pain). Writing this will hold me accountable; find a way to keep yourself accountable.

We can do this!!

P.S. See, I finished!!

Recipe Redemption

I have been known to be inept at cooking or any variation of it such as baking. That all changed on September 13. For the Quill, my school’s newsmagazine, we decided that we were going to do a fall recipe. I chose to be in charge of it and began researching a cutesy recipe to do. I found the most adorable pumpkin rolls. My only worry was that I, an inexperienced bakist, had to make the dough for the rolls from scratch. Nevertheless, I pressed on, determined to create the most adorable pumpkin shaped rolls anyone has ever seen.

The first problem arose when I needed a hook attachment and a stand mixer, neither things that I own. When I looked up alternatives to using the hook attachment, all I found was that I could knead the dough by hand. I knew this would not help my chances at succeeding, so I immediately tried to think of who would have a mixer I could borrow. Next thing I knew, I was heading over to my grandma’s house to borrow her kitchenaid mixer with the hook attachment. I grabbed a coffee on the way home to give myself the energy I would need to pull this off. It was about 5:00 when I began making the rolls.

The first step was to get all of the dough’s ingredients into the mixing bowl. I did not gather my ingredients beforehand, so this took me a while, but I did it. Then I turned on the mixer and allowed my dough to form. I will mention that I was extremely nervous during this whole process because I had to make these rolls perfectly so that they would be ready for their “photo shoot” for the magazine during the class period the following day. I needed them to turn out, so I was quite disheveled. Anyways, once I transferred my dough into a greased bowl, I had to let it rise for about 45 minutes to let it double in size. I learned that if one of my ingredients was too hot when I put it in, I could kill the yeast and the dough would not rise. I prayed that this would not happen. I set the timer and started cleaning up all of the supplies I had dirtied in the initial stage.

After 40 minutes, the dough looked good and risen, so I got it out of the bowl. This was extremely satisfying because the dough was perfect, or at least it seemed that way to me and my limited experience with dough. Then I had to form equal sections of the dough. I had to form 15 rolls. This was a bit of a challenge. I made sure to flour up my station, my hands, and the knife I was using to cut the pieces. When I started cutting the dough, I didn’t really plan for the 15 rolls I was supposed to make. This added some time to the process, but I finally got 15 pieces out of the dough that were relatively the same size. I then formed them into balls.

Next came the fun part. I had to make the pumpkin shape. I cut 8 slices into the dough from the edge of the center, making sure that I did not cut all the way through the center. Next I covered my beautifully cut pumpkins with a clean towel to let them rise again. We only have one baking tray at my house, so I immediately realized I was going to have to bake the rolls in three different baking times. I also realized I did not have parchment paper, so I did some quick research and discovered that a greased pan would be fine, just not ideal. I mixed together the second egg with two tablespoons of water. After about 25 minutes of waiting for the first six rolls to rise, I brushed the egg-water concoction over each of the rolls. Then I popped them in the 350-degree oven. I did not wait as long for these to rise because the kitchen was very warm. That made the dough rise faster, and I took a chance.

While I anxiously awaited my hopefully-not-botched pumpkin-shaped rolls, I began to work on the cinnamon butter. For this, I did plan a little bit ahead, and I made sure to set the butter out earlier to bring it to room temperature. Way to go Hannah! I added the ingredients for the butter in a bowl and used the hand mixer that we do have at my house for this step. I mixed for a few minutes and the masterpiece that came from that labor was amazing. I mean what wouldn’t be good with butter, honey, cinnamon, and powdered sugar?

Alas, the 15 minutes had passed and the moment of truth had come. I was hoping I could handle it (did you catch my joke there? If not, I still think it’s funny). I peered down at the oven and turned on the oven light. My rolls were……. drumroll please……. perfect!! The golden-brown color shown through, as did the ridges of the pumpkin shape. I could not have been prouder. It honestly may have been the proudest moment of my life so far. I took out those suckers, moved them onto a cooling tray and stuck the pecans into the center to make the stems. Then I got to baking the other nine rolls.

This experience taught me that I am capable of being a bakist no matter what I thought about my nonexistent skills. I also thought I hated cooking, but it was actually fun. Well it was fun aside for the heart palpitations I felt during the whole experience. The fact that they turned out taught me about myself and gave me something pretty to look at, eat, and show off to my friends. I will put the link to the recipe after this post. I hope that you all try it or something else that you thought you couldn’t do. Wow, I am trying to make baking inspirational. How am I doing? Just try something new and surprise yourself. Spice things up.

P.S. I will also mention that, in addition to using the printed-out recipe, I used a step-by-step youtube video that I have to attribute some of my success to even though I would love to keep all of it for myself.

P.P.S All of the photos you will see were taken of my pumpkin rolls for the Quill. The photos really capture their beauty if I do say so myself. These photos were taken by Halle.

P.P.P.S. The reason this post is so late is because I have been extremely busy working on my first Quill as editor-in-chief. It was really stressful, but we pulled it off!! I will do a reveal of the first issue when we get it from the printer. I can’t wait to share it with everyone!

Recipe: https://www.handletheheat.com/pumpkin-bread-rolls-cinnamon-butter/

Overwhelming

Okay, I have to confess. I may have exaggerated my progress. Well, actually, I felt myself falling back into old insecurities and old habits. I overcompensated by trying to feel like I had my shit together. Well, I may not have really had it all down. I started feeling my heart palpitating in my chest. I was putting too much pressure on myself to be different and never revert to my old laziness, judgement, and sometimes negative outlook on life. The palpitations grew stronger, and I just felt like balling my eyes out and putting off everything I have to do. I literally started school a day prior, and I was feeling so stressed out. My inner turmoil was strong, and I was feeling weak. I didn’t really know what to do, and I was lashing out at my mom. I am also using past tense right now when that may not be entirely accurate, but we aren’t going to talk about that right now.

So that first paragraph may not have made much sense to you. That is okay; I’m not entirely sure it makes sense to me. What I was trying to get across was that I was incredibly optimistic about all of the work I’ve done on myself this summer in my last blog post. During my first day of school I felt confident, excited, and friendly. I really wanted to feel different this school year. I wanted to feel confident and strong and sure of myself. I didn’t want to care what anyone else thinks of me. I wanted to feel like a whole new person. Well, news flash: I am me. I love myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get irritated with myself sometimes. For example, I like to put pressure on myself. This pressure gets especially heavy once I have done something I feel proud of. I won an award in tennis last year. Afterwards, my tennis game started dwindling because I thought the award would solve all of my problems in tennis. When things weren’t changing, I started getting frustrated and fed up with it. I had always tried my best, but it felt like I was getting nowhere. Things kept spiraling until I had a panic attack after a tournament and consequently took a two month break. Honestly, I am still figuring out how tennis fits into my life even now. I know that I enjoy it, but I don’t know that I can handle playing at the level I had been.

I brought that up to say that I am kind of doing the same thing to myself now. I am feeling extremely stressed out. My chest feels tight, and my heart is palpitating. I tried to ignore it at first because I wanted to achieve the impossible: I wanted to be perfect. I never again wanted to succumb to human feelings of insecurity and fear. I wanted to instantly be able to talk to everyone with a big smile on my face. I wanted to never again be afraid to speak in front of a group. I wanted to never judge others or care if others judged me. Well, guess what; that’s impossible. I read self-help books this summer that were helping me to find my inner awesomeness, and I found it. That meant that all of my problems would fall away, right? Not exactly. Things don’t just change overnight. Then, right when school started, I felt myself begin to pack on the pressure. Because I had read those books and had all of this new information, I would never again second guess myself or feel unmotivated or feel worried. Why, then, was I feeling that way? I made it through! I came out of the summer a whole new person with great habits. I self-helped and was productive. That meant that I would never again have to feel bad about myself for not feeling motivated to make my life easier. That meant that I would always get my work done early, allowing myself to never again feel stressed. I would never take anything personally again. I would never make assumptions again. I would never let negativity invade my thoughts. I would never tire of meeting new people. I would never run out of energy.

Wow, even writing that out exhausted me. I know what you’re thinking, “Hannah, no one can ever do all of the things that you just wrote down. No one can ever be that perfect. You don’t need to hold yourself to those impossible standards.” If that was in fact what you were thinking, you would be exactly right. And I know that. I know that I can never be perfect, and that I will have days where I fall short. My brain just has a screwed up way of thinking about things sometimes. I am trying to tame it, but it is difficult. That is why I have been feeling kind of crazy. I have been trying to rationalize that the burning in my chest is not because I have crazy high expectations that I’m not meeting. I push the feelings of discomfort lower and lower and try not to think about it. In not thinking about it, I revert to old habits of watching Netflix instead of getting shit done. I put things off when I know it will only stress me out more later, but I just don’t want to deal. This is my usual pattern after I make some great move in my life that makes me feel like I have finally done it. I have finally made it over that hump.

Well, the truth is that I will never be safely over that hump. I can’t let down; I can’t feel like I have made it through the storm and then be ignorant to the panic rising up inside me. No, I will never be perfect. No, I will never totally have my shit together. No, I will not be able to fully rid myself of human emotions (worry, fear, etc.). It is actually not possible. If I think that it is, I will always end up feeling crazy and panicked. I won’t be able to keep up with the pressure rising just beneath the surface. So what do I do about it? I fight on. I tell myself that I am okay, and that I will always be okay. I make sure that I am always doing my best. Some days my best will be like this summer: full of progress and self-helpery. Some days my best will be barely making it through the shitstorm in my brain that threatens to throw me into a full-fledged panic. All I know is that I can always work on myself, and I can always grant myself grace. That grace puts my crazy mind at ease because it whispers, “You are okay. You will always be okay.” I can also always pray to God (again, you may have a different spiritual power in your life or you may have none at all, but I know my life is so much better because I find comfort in a higher being). When I do this, I feel calm and at peace. I feel like any adversity that comes my way, including my own thoughts, will not tear me down. I know that God is always with me and always upholding me. This brings me peace. If I did not have that peace, I don’t know what I would do.

I may have rambled a lot in this post today, but it is because my thoughts are a little jumbled. I am working hard to grant myself grace and continue the work I did on myself this summer. It is scary to think that I will never be able to have my life all figured out (that is where the panic comes from). I will never be perfect and will never always be able to be positive and happy and confident. I will have off days just like everybody else. That means that I can’t freak out because of a minor setback. It means that I need to rise up and shine like the freaking supernova I was meant to be (that is one of my favorite quotes). It means that I need to embrace my awesomeness and be the badass I know that I am (I read You are a Badass this summer, and it changed my life). Everyone has the power to choose how they regard themselves and how they handle setbacks in life. I know I need to work on not putting pressure on myself, but I also know that I have the power to do that. Let’s just hope that I don’t put too much pressure on myself to not put pressure on myself. Wish me luck.

P.S. I don’t usually cuss ever, but sometimes when I am feeling frustrated and crazy, cussing makes me feel better. It helps me get my emotions out, and I am really bad at doing that. I hope you won’t be offended by it, but even if you are, I hope you realize that it is just helping me cope. And if you’re still upset about it, sucks to suck. It’s my blog.

P.P.S. I know that my form of cussing to get my frustrations out may seem mild compared to other people. After all, I only used one colorful word, but that one four-letter word really made me feel a little rebellious and a whole lot better. Hey, whatever works, right?

Cheers to a New Year

Chimes. Chimes. I hear chimes. They are coming from my phone. Why? Please just make them stop. Seriously, I don’t want to hear it. I just want to sleep. Please. I roll over and grab my phone. I look at the screen. It is 6:30 am. I haven’t had to wrestle with waking up this early in so long. I know that I need to wake up and get a move on. Today is an exciting day. It is my last first day of high school. I know; I can’t believe it either.

After getting woken up from my magical slumber, I start in on my morning routine. I start reading my chapter of a self-help book. I am now onto my third: How to Win Friends and Influence People. It is truly great so far, and today is only my second chapter. I kind of have to rush the rest of my morning. I read my affirmation. It is really my goal of where I want to be in life that I read every morning. I will share it with you some other time. I then do a quick Jesus Calling devotion and rush to get dressed and brush my teeth. I throw on some SPF face lotion and head to pack the lunch I made the night before.

Next comes the awkward first day pictures. I do the classic poses for my mom that have wowed her year after year. I even do the back-to-back pose with my invisible brother because he is gone at college. Then I leave my house with plenty of time to make it to school. On a good day it takes 15 minutes to get to school. On a not-so-great day, like today, it takes 25 minutes. I park right at 7:46 and start my hurried walk into school. I have to make it across the building to my first class by 7:50, all the while dodging the students heading to classes of their own. I speed walk like I really mean it and make it into the class shortly before the bell rings. I am pleased and victorious as I look for a familiar face. Sadly, there are only a couple and none of them close friends, so I take a seat by a girl who looks very friendly. I know that today will be the day that tests the confidence that has been growing all summer. Man am I pleased with the results.

Throughout the day, from class to class, I talk to people. I talk to those I know and those I don’t. My smile radiates to those around me, and I start new conversations. Even when I am asked to speak in front of the class, I do not shake and cower. That type of request would usually send me spiraling into a nervous frenzy, but not today. I speak loud and clear. My voice does not shake. I am overjoyed.

When all of my classes are done and I approach the doors that take me to my car, I feel happy and relieved. I am kind of sad that I don’t know a lot of kids in two of my classes, but I am happy that I was able to talk to new people. I made friends, which is hard to do if you know everybody in a class. My confidence building this summer did not let me down. Yes I was nervous, but it was in no way the nervousness I would have felt even a month ago. I feel comfortable in my own skin and my own abilities. I know that I am strong, confident, humble, happy, and kind. This is kind of a mantra I say to myself from time to time, and I am happy to say that I feel like I am all of those things.

Coming off of this last first day of school, I am proud of myself. I am proud that the work I did on myself this summer is paying off. I am proud that I feel comfortable and ready to meet new people. I am proud that my smile is genuine and my heart is open. I am excited with what I have accomplished. I am excited for the rest of the year. You may be reading this and thinking that I am bragging and being annoying. I am sorry if it comes across that way because I am genuinely just pleased with myself. I am amazed at how far I’ve come, and I am purely just expressing my gratitude and excitement. I am also sharing that it is possible to come out of your shell. It is possible to feel confident and changed. For just over a month, I have worked on myself and formed new habits. I cannot wait to keep reinforcing those good habits and keep forming into an incredible individual. Here is to another school year. Cheers!

Standing Tall

I stand

Shoulders back

Which is hard for someone so used to using poor posture

To cower down

And hide away

I stand

Smile wide

No longer to try to make up for something

But showing what I know is inside

What I know I can do

I stand

Ready for anything

Instead of butterflies

I feel the quiet

The calm

I can do it

I stand

Ready for conversation

No longer shying away

No longer trying to skate by

But wanting to form relationships

Wanting to make a difference

In someone’s life

In my own

I stand

Thoughts positive

Radiating outward

Spreading love

To others

To myself

I stand

Excited

With what I’ve done

With how far I’ve come

For the future

For my life

So I push my shoulders back

I smile bright

I stand

Ready for anything

Ready for my life

I know now

That I am brave

That I have changed

That I am strong

That I am confident

That I can do this

That I have done it

That I will continue

Improving

Changing

Smiling

Standing tall

I will continue

I can do this

Resist the Itch

Ever since I was a child, I was attractive. You may think that I am being cocky and rude by saying this, but it is true. Bugs have always been attracted to me. Yes, you read that correctly. Bugs drink my blood and bite me and harass me every time I go outside. It really is not easy being this irresistible. This may have taken a turn you weren’t expecting, but can we please take a moment to talk about bug bites? Anytime I go outside, I hear buzzing around my ears. I feel the brush of a mosquito’s wings touch my leg. I notice the red bumps starting to swell up on my legs and arms and face and body. I try to remain calm and not kick myself for forgetting to/ deciding I didn’t need to put on bug spray. I always regret it.

My family members and friends can be in the same exact area as me for the same exact amount of time, and I will come home with a dozen bug bites while their skin remains unbitten. It is quite unfair. I don’t know what it is that draws them to me. I never asked for this to happen. If I could escape the itchy red bumps and restless nights trying not to scratch the itchy red bumps, believe me, I would. I even got stung or bitten (I’m honestly not sure what happened) in a metro car in Washington D.C. I was literally underground and something stung my face. It swelled and turned red. It actually really hurt when it happened. Hopefully that gives you some insight into my relationship with bugs.

Bug spray cannot fully shield me from the wrath that bugs try to inflict on me. I spray it on, and I still come home covered. I have told people that go outdoors with me that they should get me one of those electric fly swatter racquet things that I can carry around (*hint hint *wink wink). That way I can get some exercise swinging it around and kill the very beings that tamper with my positive outlook on life. I am not usually a violent person. Even if I say that I want to do something violent, I am all talk and no show. This, however, is different. I want to kill all of those little bugs that come after me unprovoked. I did not do a single thing to them, and I will not stand for their harassment. I try to be a peaceful individual, even to the bugs sometimes, but I’ve just been burned too many times.

You might be wondering, “What prompted her to write this blog post all about bug bites?” Or maybe no one even got this far, but for the one person that is still reading, I will tell you. I am laying in my bed trying to resist the unrelenting urge to itch at least one of my 11 bug bites I have at the moment. The burning desire to give them a good itch can sometimes consume my thoughts and make me feel crazy. I literally couldn’t get the thought of my terrible bites out of my head long enough to think of another blog topic. That is how bad it is. You may be wondering how I got all of these bites. I probably was in a wooded forest knocking on a mosquito’s nest (do they have nests?) and calling them out to get a good meal. I probably stood there in the woods without bug spray for hours just waiting for them to take the bait. If you thought this, you would be wrong.

I got these bites from… babysitting. BABYSITTING. Can you believe it? I was outside for maybe an hour with these kids in a residential neighborhood. This was four days ago, might I add. I also spent most of the time on the driveway instead of the grass. What did I get from that caution? Eleven terrible bumps on my body that make me want to scratch until my skin is raw. I don’t do that, but that is the worst part. I don’t want to give in because I don’t want my skin to be raw. I don’t want to give myself scars that remind me of those fateful bites. The resisting is the torture.

After so many attacks that I have lost count, I have accumulated quite a haul of anti-itch creams and products. There are some that are literal lifesavers, so I figured I would share them today. Maybe there is someone else out there who feels like an outcast because they come home covered in bites while their brother, mother and father sit beside them, unscathed. They are a sacrifice to the flying creatures, and this job has no rewards. Well, they no longer have to endure the pain (please read this with an infomercial voice) (man, I am really using the parentheses today). First, the best antidote for a bad bite is Benadryl. If you are covered, you can take the pill and use the anti-itch cream on the bites. I swear by the cream. It could just be a placebo, but I do really think it works. Another great product for bug bites is lavender. It will help take away the inflammation. Lastly, try Benadryl itch cooling spray. It relieves inflammation, swelling and makes you feel like you can stand to live until morning (you read that like an infomercial, didn’t you?).

I wish I could tell you a great bug spray to use, but, like I said, I have not found a way to keep those little maniacs away from me. There is a bug bracelet that my dad gave me that I think is somewhat helpful. It is called Bug Band. I think it is worth a try. There is also a bug spray that is somewhat reliable, and it is called Skeeter Beater. Both of these products are deet free because deet is bad for you (don’t ask me any details or why because I just know what my mom told me). The band is quite potent, but if it protects you from bugs, I would say the smell is okay.

Sadly, I have no cure that will instantly remove the nasty, eye-catching growths, but I can tell you that you almost get used to it. I say almost because you can never get used to the powerful desire to rip your skin off, but you can get used to the cycle. You go outside. You get bitten. You return inside. You feel so itchy that you want to die. You resist the itch. You pile on the creams and hopeful antidotes. You gradually forget about the bites. You realize that they disappeared. You go back outside. The cycle continues. The saddest part about all of this is that I could go on forever talking about bug bites. Instead, I will leave you because I need to go reapply Benadryl cream to one of my bites. Let me know what your secret is to staying free of bites if none of this related to you. Also, I wasn’t kidding when I mentioned the electric fly swatter racquet thing (*hint hint *wink wink).

Confidence is Key

What happens when you go for the handshake and they go for the hug? What happens when you turn a friendly thumbs up into an unwelcome fist bump? How do you respond when you say hi to someone who looks away and doesn’t hear you say hi? Do you turn and run? Do you lower yourself into a pit of embarrassment? Do you laugh yourself off the face of the earth? No! You love yourself! You tell yourself you are good, and it’s all good.

All of the above scenarios have happened to me. No, not only in the distant past, but also this week. It’s pretty great. I am an extremely awkward person. I have no shortage of embarrassing encounters. Do I let them run my life? No. Instead, I tell myself that I love myself and that it’s fine. It’s fiiiinnnne. It’s FINE. I’m great and fine. Yes, I do make myself cringe, but don’t we all? I try really hard not to let these cringe-worthy moments run my life.

When I feel the air in the room turn uncomfortable and realize the error of ways, I don’t cower down; I stand up. I give a light laugh, a brilliant smile, and sometimes a slight shrug of the shoulders. I realize that it is just who I am. I was born this way. I won’t change anything by beating myself up. Besides, sometime someone is going to find me totally endearing, awkwardness and all. When that day comes, I will be eternally grateful that I didn’t compromise myself to look cooler. Besides, I look pretty darn cool to myself a lot of the time. Doesn’t that count for something?

I make really amazing jokes, like Chandler from Friends level stuff. Other people may look at me with blank stares or look the other way and not acknowledge my poor attempt at comedy, but I make myself laugh. I get a kick out of myself. To me, that is a great way to live. Also, I’m being myself, so people have to at least admire the authenticity, right?

I’m writing this to say that it happens to all of us. Take it from someone whose face, at the first sign of embarrassment, used to turn bright red like a cherry tomato. I could feel that my face was hot; I knew it was red, yet people still felt the need to tell me my face was red. That only added to the red until it got deeper and darker. I have gotten a lot better since then. I have grown up a little and owned my red face. Yes, it still gets red sometimes, but I try my best to ignore it and keep living my life. I have always been jealous of people who did not have to worry about having their embarrassment etched on their faces for all to see. That, however, is not a great way to live and will in no way stop my face from getting red.

I have accepted the fact that I am awkward and that my cheeks betray me. I have accepted the fact that I embarrass myself on the regular. I know that I am being myself and that I have a brilliant smile that makes up for my uncomfy moments. I know that I am confident in my dorky self. This is the mentality that keeps me positive and happy. Ten out of ten I would most definitely recommend.

Good Vibes Only

Music is one of my favorite things in life. I love hearing people sing passionately about things in their lives that may relate to what you are going through in your life. I love all kinds of music. I like songs that make me feel something. If I can jam out to them in my car, that is always a great bonus. I put together a playlist of some of my all time favorite songs. I will give a little snippet of what I like about each song or what I learned from it. I hope you enjoy and look these songs up for yourself.

watch by Billie Eilish

This is a great song to sing to. It is just beautiful.

Let Me Live (feat. Anne-Marie & Mr Eazi) by Rudimental, Major Lazer

I recently heard this song on Spotify and fell in love. The message is all about empowerment and standing up for yourself.

Magic In the Hamptons (feat. Lil Yachty) by Social House

I love the guitar sound they use. I don’t know how else to describe it. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you hear it.

Boy by Willow

I was so surprised when I found out this song is by Willow Smith, as in daughter of Will Smith. This song is so interesting and makes me feel like I’m in a movie/watching a movie.

Haven’t Met You Yet by Michael Bublé

I love Michael! This song lets me know that it is okay that my love life is nonexistent; I just haven’t met him yet.

Make Me Feel by Janelle Monae (Explicit)

This is such a feel good song. It is empowering and prince-esque.

Found You by Kasbo, Chelsea Cutler

I think this song has great vibes and is incredibly sweet. I love the lyrics “I didn’t have to, but I’m so glad I found you.”

Sexual by NEIKED, Dyo

I first heard this song a few years ago, and I thought it was kind of scandalous. I like the sound and fun vibe. I’m not a rebel at all, but listening to this song felt rebellious to me because it’s very obviously about s-e-x. Cue the young girls giggling into their hands.

It’s Strange by Louis the Child, K.Flay (Explicit)

Louis the Child is one of my favorite artists. It’s strange, but I can’t explain how much I love this song.

World on Fire by Louis the Child, Ashe

This song is beautiful and has some great themes. It really makes me think about the world.

Grown Ass Man Child by Andy Grammar

This song is funny and fun to jam out to.

Broad Shoulders (feat. Chance the Rapper) by Taylor Bennett

This song has a great message and features the incredible Chance the Rapper.

You Can Count On Me by Ansel Elgort, Logic (Explicit)

I know: it is insane that Ansel Elgort is such a talented musician!

Want You Back by HAIM

Great vibes.

The Good Part by AJR

I love AJR. This song represents life well.

No Grass Today by AJR

This song is fun and light-hearted. It exemplifies some of my opinions on drug use.

Light by Big Sean, Jeremih (Explicit)

This song is beautiful. Watch the music video if you look it up. You will not be disappointed; you will be moved.

Phoenix by Olivia Holt

Great inspiration and empowerment.

Girls by Life in Sweatpants

Girl power!

Morning in America by Jon Bellion

It is true: we can’t keep up with all of the expectations in life and we don’t have to. It will all be okay!

Hand Of God- Outro by Jon Bellion

This song is beautiful, and I love that he puts snippets of the whole album into this song. Again, everything will be okay!

Hard Feelings/Loveless by Lorde

I love the ending to this song. It also just has a great sound.

Get Happy Now by Wayne Kerr

I used to listen to this with my mom and brother when I was a kid. It brings me back to childhood and good times. Now, get off your grumpy couch!

Human- Acoustic by Jon Bellion

I LOVE THIS SONG! This is actually my favorite song of all time. It gives me all the feels and helps me out on any kind of day: good, bad, ugly. My favorite part is when he says he doesn’t have the guts to tell a girl he loves her but tells her to call him when she hears the song. It’s just amazing.

For You by LÉON (Explicit)

This is one of the first songs I heard by LÉON, and I’m in love.

Human Nature by VACAY

This is my favorite Michael Jackson song reimagined; AKA it is amazing.

The Shine by ayokay, Chelsea Cutler

Great vibes.

Passenger Seat (feat. Kora) by Clueless Kit

I have always been nervous to drive, so I love the idea of just kicking back in the passenger seat. It also includes one of my favorite words: miniscule.

Oh My Love by Layla

This one is a beauty. I love how she transitions from phrase to phrase.

All I Need by Bethany Dillon

I used to listen to this song as a kid too. It gave me so much comfort and happiness. It still does.

SOS (Overboard) by Joseph

Great vibes.

Kamikaze by MØ

This is from the Nerve soundtrack. It is such a fun song.

Can’t Get Enough by Basenji

This is another hit from Nerve. More great vibes.

Rich by Maren Morris

I heard about this song from NPR, and I’m so glad I did. I don’t love country, but I like her voice and lyrics.

Atlantis (feat. Kaiydo) by Bridgit Mendler

Bridgit is one of my favorite artists, and it all started with this song. Her sound is so fresh and exciting.

Gladiator by The Girl and The Dreamcatcher

I like this song’s message. It makes me happy.

Talk by DJ Snake, George Maple

I love the sound of this song. It is so fun to listen to.

Over My Head (Cable Car) by The Fray

This is a great song to jam out to, especially on a bad day.

Coffee by Sylvan Esso

My brother introduced this song to me. I love the sound of it. I’m not sure I fully understand what it means, but I love it.

Like Real People Do by Hozier

I do not fully understand this song either, but I love Hozier. I love the vibes of this song.

Someone New by Hozier

Great vibes.

Talk is Cheap by Chet Faker

This has been a lasting favorite song of mine. The nice sax at the beginning is a nice touch.

Middle by DJ Snake, Bipolar Sunshine

Who wouldn’t want to listen to a song featuring an artist called Bipolar Sunshine?

Reflections by MisterWives

This song started my obsession with MisterWives.

The Chain by Ingrid Michaelson

Beautiful. The layering is just beautiful. Not to mention, Ingrid is such an amazing artist.

Bad Day by Daniel Powter

It’s perfect for any bad day. It helps me through my emotions.

Fine By Me by Andy Grammar

This is a great throwback.

Hannah by Luca Fogale

I feel special when I listen to this song. It may not have the same effect on anyone not named Hannah. I don’t know. You tell me.

Rest by VÉRITÉ

This is one of the first songs I heard of VÉRITÉ. I’M IN LOVE.

Temperamental Love by Bridgit Mendler, Devontée

More Bridgit and more good vibes. I like how they talk about how it’s hard to keep up with a relationship solely using technology.

Fire by Louis the Child, Evalyn

Empowerment and amazing artists.

Weight of the World by Jon Bellion, Blaque Keyz

Jon Bellion is such a great lyricist. Give it a listen and find out for yourself.

Good Grief by Bastille

This song gives an interesting sound to grief, and I’m totally into it.

OctaHate by Ryn Weaver

I don’t understand this title, but I really love the song. It makes me want to dance.

Hope (feat. BRAVE) by Tim Legend

This song is another scandalous one. Cue more giggly girls.

Sunshine by POWERS

Spread sunshine and listen to this song.

Dig Down by Muse

This song empowers me and pushes me to work hard. It’s a great workout song.

All of these songs are available on Spotify. I’m sure they are also available on other formats, but Spotify showed me most of these songs. So thank you, Spotify!

When I use the term vibes, I just mean that I love the entire song. It gives me a good feeling, and I really can’t explain it. I am really happy to make this post because I love to annoy my family by playing them my favorite songs. Now they can rest easy because I am on to pushing my music taste on others. All I can say is that I hope you listen to these songs, and they make you feel something.