Faking It Made

Happy New Year! I realize that the new year and decade began about three weeks ago. When that fateful day came, I pledged to start blogging every week. Well, as you know, that didn’t exactly happen; however, that is the perfect segway into today’s topic — New Year’s resolutions. 

Pledging to give up coffee or go to the gym may seem like a great idea at 11:59 on New Year’s Eve, but when the clock strikes midnight, fear begins to set in. You realize that when you give up coffee, you can’t actually drink it anymore. You find out that the gym makes you sore, and you’re expected to feel that way all the time. It is not enough to just change your mind now. No, that would be giving up. Instead you try until it becomes too hard, give in to the desire, and drink your coffee while watching Youtube for hours in bed, ticking away the minutes until the gym closes. If this doesn’t seem familiar to you, you are amazing and a goddess of a human. For the rest of us, we fall off of the New Year’s wagon and fall into a pit of shame and sadness. We failed again. But this time, we can change the narrative and pick ourselves back up. 

Instead of crying yourself to sleep at night after a pot of coffee and no workouts, pledge to enjoy life’s moments. Pledge to live like there’s no tomorrow (which is the title of a great show about this very topic on Netflix if you want to check it out). Remember that every moment can be a bucket list moment. You might be thinking, “This is just all of the self-helpery talking.” Well, you are exactly right. In all of my ventures with positive thinking and trying to change my life for the better, I have picked up some fabulous ideas. One of which has been a common theme within the self-help genre: acceptance of death. Not the sad, depressing death. The positive, uplifting death. When you accept death and realize it is coming no matter what, it can really take a load off. You can realize that nothing really matters, just like Queen says. 

You can begin to understand that there is literally no reason to keep punishing yourself for that one thing you said three years ago that you fear hurt your best friend’s mom’s feelings, or worse, that time you waved to someone but it wasn’t who you thought so instead you ran your outstretched-and-eager-for-a-shake hand through your hair only to make eye contact with the stranger-you-thought-was-your-friend and knew in his eyes that he witnessed the whole thing and you can only imagine how much of an idiot he thinks you are. With those upsetting memories that replay in your mind late at night or on bad days, there is a way to get rid of them. Just let them go. 

Instead of fighting with the past and what could have/should have/would have happened, let it go. Believe me, Elsa knows what she’s talking about. No, I did not just realize one day upon my own fruition that this was the magical answer. I read it in a book. I know, shocking. The book is The Untethered Soul, my most recently completed self-help. This book is incredible. Author Michael Singer shares this unapologetic advice: just let it go. If you’re like me, you’re thinking, “How in the hell am I supposed to just let it go? You can’t just do that.” I always get so stressed when I read a passage with some advice but with no instruction. Well, don’t worry, Singer gave us instruction. Are you ready for it? The way to let go is, drumroll please…  relax. We struggle with past events because they make us uncomfortable and we want to change them, which is impossible. Instead of wrestling with those inner feelings, relax into them. Realize that you feel those feelings, there is nothing benefiting you by punishing yourself all the time, and let it all go for good. Know that it’s okay to feel those feelings, but stop torturing yourself. Relax and let go.  

While I have not exactly followed my New Year’s plans, I am not going to fall into a place of shame and annoyance with myself. Instead, I am going to understand that I feel upset because I didn’t start blogging sooner, relax, and let it go. I am going to realize that there is nothing I can do to change the past, but I can live like there is no tomorrow. And before tomorrow, I want to get my blog on track. Before tomorrow, I want to be bold. Before tomorrow, I want to grab some tea and hit the gym.

 

College is a crazy adjustment. You go from the top of the world as a senior in high school to the bottom of the barrel as a freshman in college. Your confidence is shaken. You have an identity crisis. You have incredible opportunities and pressure to take advantage of them all. It can be easy to get caught up in the stress of it all. But it is an adjustment. What do you have to do with an adjustment? Adjust to it (imagine that). I am using my current situation of college, but feel free to replace college with anything you would like: a new job, a lost job, a marriage, a divorce, a new pet fish. I don’t know your situation, but I bet this feeling of a fish out of water is relatable (pun intended, thank you very much). 

I am famously a fighter of change. If you change the plans on me right after I went through all of the trouble looking up restaurants and picking out my order in advance and researching the cheapest travel plan, I will probably be a little hostile. I will try to maintain my composure, but I will be frustrated. That is my aversion to change. Well college (insert your situation here) is a big change. Yikes. What did I get myself into? I just thought I would share the marvels of my Monday morning last week that helped transform my fear of this experience into gratitude. 

Of course, I planned out my entire day the day before. The first thing on the agenda was to get up early and go to the District of Columbia Public Schools office to get verified to be a volunteer. The building is a bit of a distance, but I didn’t want to pay for public transit. Instead, I put on my walking shoes. I planned to leave at 7:15 to make it to the office a little bit after they opened. Well, the me that woke up that morning didn’t like that time frame very much, so I didn’t end up leaving until 7:50. I knew that it would be fine to be a little later, and I started my trek. 

Earbuds in and phone navigation on, I made my way through the streets of D.C. On my walk, I looked to my right and saw the White House. I kept walking to see large buildings and business people making their commutes to work. I saw homeless people hanging out in parks. I saw two cars almost get into an accident. I saw all of this while mouthing along to my favorite songs. Some of those sights weren’t necessarily positive, but I was happy to be able to experience the city. I was grateful to get some exercise in and see more of D.C. 

Next thing I knew, I made it to the office, got in line and waited only a short amount of time. Another win. It was also interesting to see how the district office differed from mine back home. I even got to see a cute, little toddler accompanying his mother to get her verification as a volunteer. I sat in a comfortable seat and had a painless experience. 

On my way down the elevator, I smiled at a stranger. I noticed that people on the first floor had wet drops on their clothes; it was the rain that the forecast put off. In my planning of the day, I looked up a café I wanted to try–about a thirty minute walk away. I packed my rain jacket before heading out that morning, so I put it on and decided to embrace the weather. Who can say they walked thirty minutes in the pouring rain, soaking through their rain jacket, and jamming out to some indie pop? Now I can. It was a bucket list experience. One that I didn’t even know I had on my list. 

I made it to the place where the café was supposed to be, and it wasn’t there. I did some quick thinking on my feet and headed into the café across the street. My goal was to find a really good breakfast burrito that could satisfy my cravings for my favorite one back home. This unexpected café had me covered. I ate the most amazing burrito with fresh flavors. It was also cheap. A huge win!

I checked my email at the café to find out that I was awarded a free ticket to go see one of my favorite artists. Yay! Another great surprise. 

Then I sat at the café, writing this post in appreciation of my long, soaking wet, and glorious morning. I felt grateful for the productivity. I was beyond grateful for my amazing breakfast. And I was happy to be there. Adjusting. 

P.S.

I wrote this the other day, and I had a great realization about it today as I was reading You are a Badass, my self-help of the time. In it, Jen Sincero writes about the power of gratitude. Being appreciative for everything going on in your life, positive and negative, sends out light and love into the world. This positive energy returns to you in ways you wouldn’t expect. I was overwhelmed with gratitude on Monday and positive things kept jumping out of the little inconveniences. I challenge you to focus on the positives and gratitudes and see what manifests in your life. You might be surprised.

A couple of summers ago, when I was on my self-help bender, I discovered The Four Agreements. Well, that is not exactly true. My mom discovered it, fell in love with it, and bought my brother and me a couple copies. Of course, I didn’t jump right in at that moment. I had to wait until I was ready. Or rather, I waited until I read in InStyle that Paris Jackson keeps a copy in her purse and reads it every few months. I thought, “If Paris Jackson reads it, it must be good.” That was what finally pushed me over the edge. I am forever grateful to both my mom and Paris Jackson for encouraging me to read this wonderful book. 

The book, written by Don Miguel Ruiz, shares the ways of the ancient Toltecs, wise individuals from Mexico. Their beliefs about life center around changing the ways we have been “domesticated.” We are all living in a dream, and we can’t see the reality that we are all made up of light and love. Ruiz offers ways to combat this dream and allow us to live in heaven on earth. 

The key is through making new agreements to override the ones we made growing up (through domestication). Spoiler alert! I am going to tell you the four agreements. The first one is to “be impeccable with your word.” This means not spreading hate and being truthful. The second agreement is “don’t take anything personally.” No matter what anyone tells you, positive or negative, it is not a reflection of you or your worth. They are giving you information about themselves and their experiences. Third, “don’t make assumptions.” This ties in perfectly with the second agreement. We often create scenarios in our minds after interacting with others. Then within those made-up scenarios, we take things personally. Do you see how this is unhealthy? Lastly, “always do your best.” This is the perfect conclusion. Within each of the agreements, do your best to reinforce them and grant yourself grace if you are unable to follow through. Because trust me, it is hard. 

Why did I bring this up? Well, I have gone through a lot of changes recently. I know that no one asked, but I shall tell you anyway. I started college about a month ago. My life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. With this life change, I felt my confidence slipping. A lot. Because I felt like everyone was judging me. Some of that probably had to do with the fact that I was judging people through my lense in life. Another factor was that it was nothing like I expected. I expected to see someone on the playground, walk up to them, and we would skip away, holding hands, friends for life. Okay, that is an exaggeration, but I thought I would make so many friends in my classes, and my dorm floor would become like family. It is still early, but none of this happened. 

With my confidence slipping, I found myself missing home more than I thought I could. I found myself not wanting to branch out on my own. I found myself judging the people around me, perpetuating the problem. Then I realized I had a resource that could help: The Four Agreements. 

As soon as I dove into reading about Toltec culture, I felt love raining down on me. I believe in a God of love, and I felt the love through this book. With that message, I was able to love myself more in this crazy and stressful time. In turn, I was able to love the people around me. I write this like I have it all figured out. It is easier to write that way, a foreshadowing. In actuality, I am working on this and gaining confidence in who I am and how I interact with others. 

Through each agreement, I found myself realizing that I am strong and capable. I realized that I don’t have to be caged into my own imagination or “dream” like Ruiz writes. I can live my life with respect for others and in turn respect for myself. When meeting new people, it can be easy to bond over the negatives in life or in judgments of others. This was part of what pushed me lower and lower in my confidence because talking about others makes it okay for them to talk about you. If you don’t agree with that statement, then why are you talking about them? This question is directed at myself as much as it is directed at you. With this shift in perspective and focus on the positives, my outlook shifted. I can feel much better about myself when I don’t have to succumb to negative gossiping and judgments to make friends.

I know I have been rambling about the magic of The Four Agreements, but that is the truth: it is magic. I know I have a ways to go (contrary to me writing like I found the key to life). I just know that this book will help me to continue to figure out who I am. I can be impeccable with my word, not take things personally, not make assumptions, and always do my best. If I slip up, at least I recognized the problem and can work harder to keep the agreements longer. Soon, I will not be living in a dream, but I will be living a life of love and light. 

Spoiler alert! I highly recommend this book. It is a quick and easy read. Not to mention, it is transformative. If you get a copy, keep it close to bring out when you lose sight of the agreements and the power they possess. To learn more about the book and to access additional materials, visit https://www.miguelruiz.com/the-four-agreements. You can buy the book for only $6.48 on Amazon. That is a good deal: a changed life for less than $10! Should I become Ruiz’s spokesperson? I’m going to get on that.

I wrote this narrative for a class at school. I really wish I could put it in the fiction section. Enjoy my pain.

 

I pulled up to the compound. With a text to my mom that I made it, I was out of the car, keys in hand, walking to the entrance. The long front windows of the building allowed me to see rows and rows of people seated and facing the entrance. I tried to ignore the fact that if I could see them so clearly, they could see me too. I awkwardly opened the door, and the leader of this group told me I was fine to go straight to the back. I had walked right into a training session. This should have been my first clue that the day was not going to go as planned.

A few weeks prior, I received an email from the Humane Society of Southwest Missouri asking for volunteers to transport dogs and cats to an adoption event at Petsway. My fingers raced along the keys to secure my position as a dog transporter. The time had come for me to fulfill my duty. I was slightly nervous; will the dog like me?

I waltzed straight up to the front desk and stated my business. The girl working asked me what size of dog I would be most comfortable transporting. I told her that I would only be comfortable with a small dog. She assured me that Nakaya was a well-mannered canine and the smallest one they could offer me.

When we arrived at Nakaya’s cage, I saw an adorable, light brown, mixed-breed dog. I also noticed that she was definitely not small. I can still do this. They said she’s sweet, I thought to myself. Nakaya had to be forced out of her cage, and she would not willingly come with me. The lady had lied to me; Nakaya was not a calm, fun-loving dog. When she was finally convinced to follow us to my car, she left behind a puddle.

We finally made it outside to the parking lot, and it was like deja vu; Nakaya wouldn’t get in my car. She had to be lifted onto the seat. I asked the worker, “She will stay where she is, right?”

“Yes she will. She doesn’t move around. She is a really calm dog,” she said. Judging by her history of lying to me, my trust was very thin, and I prayed that she was telling me the truth.

I plugged in Petsway to my GPS. It would only take me about five minutes to get there. Okay I can do this for five minutes. I took a deep breath and put the key in the ignition. I had barely left the parking lot before Nakaya had jumped up to the front seat to sit next to me. I yelled and told her no. She jumped back to the back. Then she decided she wanted to come see me again.

When I pulled up to the Petsway, my fears were not alleviated at all. The parking lot was dead. It must just be early, I thought, trying to convince myself. Next came the hard part of getting the dog out of the car. I walked around to the front passenger’s side door, where Nakaya finally ended up, and pulled on the handle. She jumped right out. Maybe she will start cooperating with me. This was an incorrect assumption.

I started toward the door into the Petsway and Nakaya wouldn’t budge. She was not small, so it took some effort for me to pull her through the door. Safely inside, I noticed it was even deader in the store than the parking lot. When I finally saw people with the bright green Humane Society shirts, they were carting around cages of cats.

“Hi, I’m here for the adoption event,” I said to the woman who seemed to be in charge. I gestured to the leash I held, as if she didn’t know I brought the dog for the event.

A puzzled look took over her face. “This is a cats-only event,” she responded.

My face fell as I realized that all of the stress I had already been through was for nothing. “Well, what am I supposed to do?” I said.

The woman proceeded to tell me that there was a dog adoption event across town and that I was welcome to take Nakaya there. I slightly unloaded on this stranger, telling her of my stressful morning. She agreed that it might be best for me to just take Nakaya back to the shelter.

Defeated but determined, I walked out of the Petsway and to my car. I was going to make it back to the Humane Society without any hiccups. This idea was quickly demolished when Nakaya started to squat in the middle of the parking lot. This cannot be happening. Instead of regular disgusting dog poop, the foul brown substance that came out of this dog was liquid and chunky, and it reeked. When she stood up, signaling the end of her horrific business, I tried to walk quickly to my car. I really didn’t want to have to pick it up. I thought I could live with the guilt. Of course Nakaya’s fear of doors struck down my hopes of leaving once again.

The guilt slowing creeping up on me like the poop now inching down the asphalt, I decided I needed to clean it up. Returning into the building proved to be difficult yet again as I had to pull the larger-than-small dog through the door. The only clerk working was handling a customer, so I stood and waited. When the customer finally made a move for the door, I said, “This dog just pooped in the parking lot. Do you have something I could use to clean it up?”

In reply, she pointed to a few measly paper towels hanging from a dispenser right in front of my face. I knew they would not do the job, but I didn’t see any other options.

When I came back to the door, I held poopy and dripping paper towels in my left hand, and I tried to herd Nakaya through the door with my right. Some diarrhea dripped out of the paper towels and onto the ground right outside the store. I prayed that no one would step in it. A man who saw my struggle opened the door for me, and I pulled Nakaya until she followed. I threw the paper towels in the small trash can near the register. Then I realized I had brown liquid trickling down my hand. I turned around to see if I needed to clean up the drippage outside, and I saw a woman lifting her flip-flopped foot in disgust. She had just stepped in it. This cannot be happening.

I turned quickly to find the bathroom, dodging other dogs and trying desperately not to make eye contact with the Humane Society volunteers who thought I had left 20 minutes ago. After I had successfully cleaned my hands and taken some deep breaths in the bathroom, I made my way to the car. I had to lift Nakaya into the backseat. When I was safely inside, I called the Humane Society to give them a heads up. The lady on the phone seemed surprised and told me about the other adoption event. I made it clear that I was not in sound-enough mind to drive across town with this medium-but-definitely-not-small-sized dog.

With the keys in the ignition, I started the journey back to the shelter. Nakaya was just as indecisive as she was on the way to the event. When the five minutes were up and I was back at the compound, I took a few deep breaths. I pulled Nakaya along through the front doors and up to the desk. I told the woman who helped me get Nakaya out to my car about the misfortunes of the morning and gave her Nakaya’s leash.

With nothing else to say, I made my way back to my car, not allowing the tears to fall until I was alone. I sat in the front seat and looked at the damage. The floor of my back seat was wet. Dirty paw prints covered the tan leather of both the front and back seats of my car. My vision grew blurry as I realized the urine smell would make it extremely difficult to forget this day.

 

I am now about a week sober. I fell off the self-improvement wagon about a month ago. I stopped reading my affirmations on the daily. I read no devotions. I did no daily planks. I stopped planning out my daily agendas the night before. I was lazy. I was upset with myself and feeling bad about myself. I turned to Netflix for comfort and that only made me feel worse. I was stressed and felt like I couldn’t be motivated to do what I needed to do.

The start of my journey back on the strait and narrow was a podcast. Not just any podcast, but Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard. And not just any episode, but the first one ever and with Kristen Bell, his lovely wife. I had heard it before, but I wanted to listen again. Man am I glad I did. They talk about many wonderful things and the beauty of their relationship shines through in the podcast, but what I really enjoyed was when they talked about happiness versus suffering. Kristen said this principle is what helps her make her decisions in life. She doesn’t get hung up on her losses because that would make her suffer. When she or Dax start the day on the wrong foot, they refer to their lists of what lifts their spirits. They choose to do this because they would rather be happy than suffer.

After their wisdom shown upon me (I really felt like it was directed at me), I thought about my unmotivated life at the present moment. I was being led by Netflix and food, which doesn’t sound so bad until you are shirking your responsibilities to partake in these two activities. I needed to change something or I wasn’t going to finish my last college application (update: I got it in!). I wasn’t going to read the book for my upcoming Grammar and Comp class (update: I read most of it!). I wasn’t going to clean my clothes-littered room. It was a mess. Correction, I was a mess.

Okay, I am probably exaggerating a bit, but honestly not too much. I was in a cycle of feeling bad about myself for watching Netflix all the time, but making no moves to do anything better. I also wasn’t working out at all. I have a newfound love for Tae Bo with Billy Blanks. I won’t get into it now, but I will share my obsession soon. Anyway, that podcast gave me some of the motivation I needed. I thought about my own happiness list. What could I be doing to feel happy and get out of this less-than-stellar cycle? I needed to start up my daily ritual again. I wrote out what I wanted to complete that day. I finally finished The Four Agreements, a fabulously wonderful book. I will tell you about that soon too. Guess what affirmation I found in those final pages of the book? The author wrote about happiness versus suffering. This is relevant when interacting with others and yourself. Wow. Talk about just what I needed to read. That gave me more motivation to continue on with my list.

I read my daily affirmations. Check. I read my Jesus Calling devotional for the day, and I even looked up the scriptures that it gives instead of my past behavior of being too lazy to do that part (be extra proud of me for that one). Check. I cleaned up my clothes and separated out my laundry. Check. I did my Tae Bo workout with Billy Blanks. Check. I showered. Check. I worked on my college application. Check, check, check. I am not sharing all of this to show off. Although, I am pretty proud of myself, so I do want some validation. I am sharing this because I did it (again, I’m only slightly searching for validation). I am mostly saying that if I can do it, you can do it too. Get out your list of things to do that spark a fire in yourself to get crap done and be happy. If you don’t already have one, make one. Start today by choosing happiness over suffering in your own life. Once you give yourself that luxury, I can almost completely guarantee (you have to leave room for some error) that you will choose happiness over suffering when you interact with others.

Life is a choice. You can waste away the day and feel sorry for yourself or you can actively choose to correct your own less-than-stellar behavior. You can choose to do the things that make you feel happy and accomplished. I can positively say that I am more than a few days sober from being lazy and doing nothing but procrastinating accomplishments. Things are looking up. This does not mean that I cut out Netflix from my diet for good, but I am actually following my rules of only a couple episodes per day. Don’t read this and think, There is no way that I can have my act together as much as this wonderfully talented and beautiful Hannah. Believe me, it’s not hard to surpass my low level of having myself together. If I can make myself proud, surely you can too.

 

This year my household was blessed with a Christmas miracle. Okay, so it may not have entirely been intentional, but it was fabulous nonetheless. Let me explain.

A few nights ago, my mom and I were in the car exiting the garage to go to Walmart for some Christmas shopping. As we pulled out, we noticed some bright red lights on our house that we had not seen before. We were amazed. Someone had gifted us Christmas lights. We were confused. Someone had gifted us Christmas lights? Who had done this? Who knew that we had talked about wanting them, but we didn’t want to pay for them? Who knew our address?

We looked around for the hidden cameras, but there weren’t any. We waited for a text telling us who had given us this wonderful present. That text never came. We chalked it up to a Christmas miracle given to us by a Christmas angel and went about our business.

Eager to know who this mysterious, generous being was, my mom posted on Facebook about our little surprise and thanked whoever thought to give us the lights. We ignored the fact that it could have been a mistake. Of course someone had been kind to us. It was definitely not a mistake, right? We didn’t want them to take our lights away if it was a mistake.

Sure enough, the next day my mom got a call. Let me give you a quick backstory. We moved in August, so this is our first Christmas at our new house. On the other end of that phone call was our realtor. He mentioned that we might have some new, bright red additions to our house that we did not ask for. He said that the previous owners of our house ordered the lights, and the company put them up at the wrong address. Okay, maybe nobody purposefully gave us the lights, but we had become attached. Please don’t let them take the lights away. Then the realtor gave us some great news: the company would leave up the lights if we liked them because it was their mistake. That wasn’t even the best part.

The next day, bright and early in the morning, there was a knock at our door. My mom opened it to find two men who were from the Christmas lights company. They came to apologize for the mix-up. My mom assured them that it was no trouble and actually a blessing in disguise. Then you will never guess what they told her. They said that they wouldn’t just want red lights (that was the only color used on our house). Then they offered to change the colors for us. My mom said she didn’t necessarily just want red, but she didn’t want to pay for it. The Christmas lights people said we wouldn’t have to pay; they would do it for free.

Let’s take a moment to summarize. We were given Christmas lights. It turned out to be a mistake. The Christmas lights people let us keep them. They are going to change the colors for us, and we didn’t have to pay for any of it. Like, it was all free. If that is not a Christmas miracle, I don’t know what is.

No matter what is happening in life, there are always positive moments. There are always secret gifts that may turn out to be mistakes but still succeed in putting a smile on your face. You may be the one to make a mistake, but that mistake may touch someone’s life instead. Joy can come from anything. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that those guys from the lights company accidentally came to the wrong house. Now we have a brighter house and fuller hearts. Okay, that was cheesy, but it’s true. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!!