TikTok Changed My Life Check

I was among the people who said they would never, ever, get a TikTok. I scoffed at the app and its past as Musical.ly. I thought, Wow, this is so dumb. Who would ever want to just watch people dance and lip sync? Judging by the title of this post, you know something must have changed. You are assuming correctly.

I joined the bandwagon on Vine, the 7-seconds-of-pure-comedic-genius app much too late, like after-it-died late. Instead, I watched compilation videos on Youtube to satisfy my funny bone. After doing this for a long, long, long time, I started to see the same videos over and over again. As I was starting to get tired of these videos, suggestions of TikTok compilation videos titled “TikToks that remind me of Vine” came up on my account. Well, I gave in, still not caving completely. I hadn’t downloaded the app. Yet.

Then a little thing called quarantine happened. Literally four days in, I couldn’t help myself. From the app store I hit download and created an account. Next thing I knew I was trying (emphasis on trying) to learn the dances, cracking up at the trends, even posting a #plankchallenge. Instead of embarrassment or regret, I felt pure joy.

TikTok infiltrated every aspect of my life. I wrote my final paper in my college writing course about the app’s ability to connect people through music. I made my final video in my video production class about what had been taking up so much of my time. You guessed it: TikTok. I watched videos, taught my mom the dances, and even created a notes document on my phone dedicated to TikTok video ideas because, of course, I was now plotting how I would become TikTok famous.

While my videos have not gotten much traction, I am lucky to get more than 15 likes, I am still having so much fun. I am learning, laughing, and learning some more because of the app. It sounds silly to be writing this, but I seriously enjoy it that much.

This just goes to show that we can hold ourselves back from some really fun times if we let our pride get in the way. TikTok has seriously helped me get through quarantine and all of the hard things going on right now. It has taught me so much about other people’s experiences and cultures. It has shown me beauty in the world, whether it’s nature or an adorable child telling his mom thank you after she gives him food. It has given me a passion for dance, or rather trying to learn dances.

I love this app with a passion, but I did not write this to get you to download it (although I think you should). Instead, I wrote this to show that things that we might judge other people for or carry “shame” about in ourselves can actually become a fabulous and joy-filled experience. You might be judging me right now reading this, if you made it this far. If you are, I get that it sounds a little crazy, me raving so much about an app, but it makes me happy. Find what makes you happy. It doesn’t have to be TikTok, but it could be. Don’t be afraid or too prideful to find out. Try something new and you might just have a “(Insert something here) changed my life check…” to go on and on about.

Black Lives Matter

Before I post anything new to my blog, I want to share some resources for ways to get involved in the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement.

Here are some websites to visit to learn more, sign petitions, donate, and join the movement.

https://blacklivesmatter.com

https://colorofchange.org

https://www.naacp.org

https://www.reclaimtheblock.org/home

https://www.change.org

https://bailproject.org

Here is the link to a way to donate if you don’t have any money. Watch this video without skipping any ads, and the ad revenue can be your donation to BLM.

These are simple ways to get involved. It is also important to support black artists, musicians, activists, influencers, and business owners. The Youtube video above is a great place to discover and celebrate music and art by black creators. I have also enjoyed listening to the Black Lives Matter playlist on Spotify.

I highly recommend the documentary 13th on Netflix. No matter how you lean, this film will teach you something. It explains systemic racism, as well as the insane prison population in the United States. Spoiler alert: they are connected. Another great documentary to watch is a series called Policing the Police on PBS. I watched episode 12, “How do you change a troubled police department?”, in a class this year, and it really opened my eyes to what black people, especially black men go through at the hands of police in this country. Here is the link: https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/policing-the-police/.

I hope everyone unites to support this movement. Real change is coming, and I lift up the black voices who have made this happen. My heart hurts for the families of the countless black people who have been killed by the corrupt and racist police system, as well as the systemic racism that has been a part of this country since its beginning. I acknowledge the privilege that I have and that I will never be able to fully understand the pain and suffering felt by black people in the United States. No matter our skin color, we need to join together to support our black community members. We need to unite for justice and peace.

BLACK LIVES MATTER

D.C. Excursions – First Installment

On the slightly cold and gray morning, I got up and prepared myself for a walk. In a rare occasion, I was actually getting ahead on my work. There was no procrastination in the driver’s seat; I pushed him to the back. Wrapped in my red, city-woman coat, I walked down the stairs in my dorm, Apple Maps ready to go.

As I exited the building, I felt sprinkles of rain. At that moment, I made an executive decision to keep going. The last time I decided to walk thirty minutes in the rain without an umbrella, I was left drenched and soggy. This time would be different, I thought with blind hope.

The route took me past the White House, the Trump hotel *barf*, and the National Archives. I took in the sights, listening to music and calling my dad, even getting to chat with my half brother. The walk was beautiful, even the rain brightened my experience. When I neared my destination, I had to cross a busy road, one side with no crosswalk. Content to cross the other way to get safely to the crosswalk, an older couple started across the crosswalkless street, and I went with them. Strength in numbers, right?

Well this is all leading up to the story of how I got hit by a car in the capital of the United States.

Just kidding! I made it safely across the street, as did my older partners in crime. From there, I walked into my destination: the National Gallery of Art.

After my bag was searched and I had a map of the building, I looked for the location of what I was really there for: an exhibit about Alonso Berruguete, the Spanish renaissance sculptor. This was my pick for my acontecimiento, or cultural activity for my Spanish class. After making a wrong turn and taking a quick excursion in Greek sculptures of the whatever century, I made it up the stairs to the rotunda. I was met with a beautiful fountain, high ceilings, and beautiful greenery. After stopping to take a picture, I took a left and followed the hall to the very end.

Passing through another room with a fun fountain and greenery, I made it to the home of some of Berruguete’s famous work. The exhibit followed him across his full career: from admiring his father’s work to studying in Italy to completely changing the face of sculpting in Spain. Highly religiously motivated, Berruguete created many retablos, or altarpieces. His work reflects the Bible’s stories, but also a sense of diversity, which is a lot to say for a highly religious man from the 16th century.

My favorite works were the grand altarpieces, shining in gold and reflecting pure emotion in each subject’s face. The exhibit features an example of a sculpture pre-Berruguete and man did it suck. I mean, all art is special yadda yadda, but his work just displays so much more meaning and expression and beauty. He shows beauty through the human experience, which doesn’t always seem so beautiful.

While I may not have gone to the exhibit just for the heck of it (my grade was a driving factor), I had a fabulous time. I walked there by myself, taking in the sights and sounds of DC. I had a completely new experience having never been to the National Gallery of Art, and I fully enjoyed myself. The work of Alonso Berruguete created a pivotal moment in the art of Spain. It brought the Renaissance sculpting of Italy to the Spaniards, connecting culture and furthering artistic expression in Spain. It also connected me, a freshly-adult woman from the Midwest, with this rich Spanish culture of the 16th century in the capital of the United States. Wow. Talk about an experience.

Better Late Than Never

Happy New Year! I realize that the new year and decade began about three weeks ago. When that fateful day came, I pledged to start blogging every week. Well, as you know, that didn’t exactly happen; however, that is the perfect segway into today’s topic — New Year’s resolutions.

Pledging to give up coffee or go to the gym may seem like a great idea at 11:59 on New Year’s Eve, but when the clock strikes midnight, fear begins to set in. You realize that when you give up coffee, you can’t actually drink it anymore. You find out that the gym makes you sore, and you’re expected to feel that way all the time. It is not enough to just change your mind now. No, that would be giving up. Instead you try until it becomes too hard, give in to the desire, and drink your coffee while watching Youtube for hours in bed, ticking away the minutes until the gym closes. If this doesn’t seem familiar to you, you are amazing and a goddess of a human. For the rest of us, we fall off of the New Year’s wagon and fall into a pit of shame and sadness. We failed again. But this time, we can change the narrative and pick ourselves back up.

Instead of crying yourself to sleep at night after a pot of coffee and no workouts, pledge to enjoy life’s moments. Pledge to live like there’s no tomorrow (which is the title of a great show about this very topic on Netflix if you want to check it out). Remember that every moment can be a bucket list moment. You might be thinking, “This is just all of the self-helpery talking.” Well, you are exactly right. In all of my ventures with positive thinking and trying to change my life for the better, I have picked up some fabulous ideas. One of which has been a common theme within the self-help genre: acceptance of death. Not the sad, depressing death. The positive, uplifting death. When you accept death and realize it is coming no matter what, it can really take a load off. You can realize that nothing really matters, just like Queen says.

You can begin to understand that there is literally no reason to keep punishing yourself for that one thing you said three years ago that you fear hurt your best friend’s mom’s feelings, or worse, that time you waved to someone but it wasn’t who you thought so instead you ran your outstretched-and-eager-for-a-shake hand through your hair only to make eye contact with the stranger-you-thought-was-your-friend and knew in his eyes that he witnessed the whole thing and you can only imagine how much of an idiot he thinks you are. With those upsetting memories that replay in your mind late at night or on bad days, there is a way to get rid of them. Just let them go.

Instead of fighting with the past and what could have/should have/would have happened, let it go. Believe me, Elsa knows what she’s talking about. No, I did not just realize one day upon my own fruition that this was the magical answer. I read it in a book. I know, shocking. The book is The Untethered Soul, my most recently completed self-help. This book is incredible. Author Michael Singer shares this unapologetic advice: just let it go. If you’re like me, you’re thinking, “How in the hell am I supposed to just let it go? You can’t just do that.” I always get so stressed when I read a passage with some advice but with no instruction. Well, don’t worry, Singer gave us instruction. Are you ready for it? The way to let go is, drumroll please… relax. We struggle with past events because they make us uncomfortable and we want to change them, which is impossible. Instead of wrestling with those inner feelings, relax into them. Realize that you feel those feelings, there is nothing benefiting you by punishing yourself all the time, and let it all go for good. Know that it’s okay to feel those feelings, but stop torturing yourself. Relax and let go.

While I have not exactly followed my New Year’s plans, I am not going to fall into a place of shame and annoyance with myself. Instead, I am going to understand that I feel upset because I didn’t start blogging sooner, relax, and let it go. I am going to realize that there is nothing I can do to change the past, but I can live like there is no tomorrow. And before tomorrow, I want to get my blog on track. Before tomorrow, I want to be bold. Before tomorrow, I want to grab some tea and hit the gym.

Adjusting in Gratitude

College is a crazy adjustment. You go from the top of the world as a senior in high school to the bottom of the barrel as a freshman in college. Your confidence is shaken. You have an identity crisis. You have incredible opportunities and pressure to take advantage of them all. It can be easy to get caught up in the stress of it all. But it is an adjustment. What do you have to do with an adjustment? Adjust to it (imagine that). I am using my current situation of college, but feel free to replace college with anything you would like: a new job, a lost job, a marriage, a divorce, a new pet fish. I don’t know your situation, but I bet this feeling of a fish out of water is relatable (pun intended, thank you very much).

I am famously a fighter of change. If you change the plans on me right after I went through all of the trouble looking up restaurants and picking out my order in advance and researching the cheapest travel plan, I will probably be a little hostile. I will try to maintain my composure, but I will be frustrated. That is my aversion to change. Well college (insert your situation here) is a big change. Yikes. What did I get myself into? I just thought I would share the marvels of my Monday morning last week that helped transform my fear of this experience into gratitude.

Of course, I planned out my entire day the day before. The first thing on the agenda was to get up early and go to the District of Columbia Public Schools office to get verified to be a volunteer. The building is a bit of a distance, but I didn’t want to pay for public transit. Instead, I put on my walking shoes. I planned to leave at 7:15 to make it to the office a little bit after they opened. Well, the me that woke up that morning didn’t like that time frame very much, so I didn’t end up leaving until 7:50. I knew that it would be fine to be a little later, and I started my trek.

Earbuds in and phone navigation on, I made my way through the streets of D.C. On my walk, I looked to my right and saw the White House. I kept walking to see large buildings and business people making their commutes to work. I saw homeless people hanging out in parks. I saw two cars almost get into an accident. I saw all of this while mouthing along to my favorite songs. Some of those sights weren’t necessarily positive, but I was happy to be able to experience the city. I was grateful to get some exercise in and see more of D.C.

Next thing I knew, I made it to the office, got in line and waited only a short amount of time. Another win. It was also interesting to see how the district office differed from mine back home. I even got to see a cute, little toddler accompanying his mother to get her verification as a volunteer. I sat in a comfortable seat and had a painless experience.

On my way down the elevator, I smiled at a stranger. I noticed that people on the first floor had wet drops on their clothes; it was the rain that the forecast put off. In my planning of the day, I looked up a café I wanted to try–about a thirty minute walk away. I packed my rain jacket before heading out that morning, so I put it on and decided to embrace the weather. Who can say they walked thirty minutes in the pouring rain, soaking through their rain jacket, and jamming out to some indie pop? Now I can. It was a bucket list experience. One that I didn’t even know I had on my list.

I made it to the place where the café was supposed to be, and it wasn’t there. I did some quick thinking on my feet and headed into the café across the street. My goal was to find a really good breakfast burrito that could satisfy my cravings for my favorite one back home. This unexpected café had me covered. I ate the most amazing burrito with fresh flavors. It was also cheap. A huge win!

I checked my email at the café to find out that I was awarded a free ticket to go see one of my favorite artists. Yay! Another great surprise.

Then I sat at the café, writing this post in appreciation of my long, soaking wet, and glorious morning. I felt grateful for the productivity. I was beyond grateful for my amazing breakfast. And I was happy to be there. Adjusting.

P.S.

I wrote this the other day, and I had a great realization about it today as I was reading You are a Badass, my self-help of the time. In it, Jen Sincero writes about the power of gratitude. Being appreciative for everything going on in your life, positive and negative, sends out light and love into the world. This positive energy returns to you in ways you wouldn’t expect. I was overwhelmed with gratitude on Monday and positive things kept jumping out of the little inconveniences. I challenge you to focus on the positives and gratitudes and see what manifests in your life. You might be surprised.

Agree to New Agreements

A couple of summers ago, when I was on my self-help bender, I discovered The Four Agreements. Well, that is not exactly true. My mom discovered it, fell in love with it, and bought my brother and me a couple copies. Of course, I didn’t jump right in at that moment. I had to wait until I was ready. Or rather, I waited until I read in InStyle that Paris Jackson keeps a copy in her purse and reads it every few months. I thought, “If Paris Jackson reads it, it must be good.” That was what finally pushed me over the edge. I am forever grateful to both my mom and Paris Jackson for encouraging me to read this wonderful book.

The book, written by Don Miguel Ruiz, shares the ways of the ancient Toltecs, wise individuals from Mexico. Their beliefs about life center around changing the ways we have been “domesticated.” We are all living in a dream, and we can’t see the reality that we are all made up of light and love. Ruiz offers ways to combat this dream and allow us to live in heaven on earth.

The key is through making new agreements to override the ones we made growing up (through domestication). Spoiler alert! I am going to tell you the four agreements. The first one is to “be impeccable with your word.” This means not spreading hate and being truthful. The second agreement is “don’t take anything personally.” No matter what anyone tells you, positive or negative, it is not a reflection of you or your worth. They are giving you information about themselves and their experiences. Third, “don’t make assumptions.” This ties in perfectly with the second agreement. We often create scenarios in our minds after interacting with others. Then within those made-up scenarios, we take things personally. Do you see how this is unhealthy? Lastly, “always do your best.” This is the perfect conclusion. Within each of the agreements, do your best to reinforce them and grant yourself grace if you are unable to follow through. Because trust me, it is hard.

Why did I bring this up? Well, I have gone through a lot of changes recently. I know that no one asked, but I shall tell you anyway. I started college about a month ago. My life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. With this life change, I felt my confidence slipping. A lot. Because I felt like everyone was judging me. Some of that probably had to do with the fact that I was judging people through my lense in life. Another factor was that it was nothing like I expected. I expected to see someone on the playground, walk up to them, and we would skip away, holding hands, friends for life. Okay, that is an exaggeration, but I thought I would make so many friends in my classes, and my dorm floor would become like family. It is still early, but none of this happened.

With my confidence slipping, I found myself missing home more than I thought I could. I found myself not wanting to branch out on my own. I found myself judging the people around me, perpetuating the problem. Then I realized I had a resource that could help: The Four Agreements.

As soon as I dove into reading about Toltec culture, I felt love raining down on me. I believe in a God of love, and I felt the love through this book. With that message, I was able to love myself more in this crazy and stressful time. In turn, I was able to love the people around me. I write this like I have it all figured out. It is easier to write that way, a foreshadowing. In actuality, I am working on this and gaining confidence in who I am and how I interact with others.

Through each agreement, I found myself realizing that I am strong and capable. I realized that I don’t have to be caged into my own imagination or “dream” like Ruiz writes. I can live my life with respect for others and in turn respect for myself. When meeting new people, it can be easy to bond over the negatives in life or in judgments of others. This was part of what pushed me lower and lower in my confidence because talking about others makes it okay for them to talk about you. If you don’t agree with that statement, then why are you talking about them? This question is directed at myself as much as it is directed at you. With this shift in perspective and focus on the positives, my outlook shifted. I can feel much better about myself when I don’t have to succumb to negative gossiping and judgments to make friends.

I know I have been rambling about the magic of The Four Agreements, but that is the truth: it is magic. I know I have a ways to go (contrary to me writing like I found the key to life). I just know that this book will help me to continue to figure out who I am. I can be impeccable with my word, not take things personally, not make assumptions, and always do my best. If I slip up, at least I recognized the problem and can work harder to keep the agreements longer. Soon, I will not be living in a dream, but I will be living a life of love and light.

Spoiler alert! I highly recommend this book. It is a quick and easy read. Not to mention, it is transformative. If you get a copy, keep it close to bring out when you lose sight of the agreements and the power they possess. To learn more about the book and to access additional materials, visit https://www.miguelruiz.com/the-four-agreements. You can buy the book for only $6.48 on Amazon. That is a good deal: a changed life for less than $10! Should I become Ruiz’s spokesperson? I’m going to get on that.

Fears and Wheels

My palms start to sweat. My heart begins to race. My body gets hot, and my breath quickens. I stand in front of the bike. Cars drive past without a care in the world that I can’t move. I want to jump on and ride away, but fear stops me.

It all started when I was younger. I was supposed to ride my bike without training wheels. But why? I was doing just fine with the two extra wheels, thank you very much. But apparently riding a bike with training wheels for the rest of your life is not socially acceptable. My mom tried everything to get me to ride. She promised to get me a new book I really wanted. She told me she would teach me and never let go of the back of the bike. Kids, when your parents tell you they won’t let go of the back of the bike, they are LYING. I get that it’s how I’m supposed to learn and yadda yadda, but it’s scary. Not to mention it takes a toll on family trust.

Anyway, I went through years of being petrified and staying home from family bike rides. Then one day I got a bout of courage and ran with it. Let me just mention that the last time I had courage like that I jumped into a pool without floaties because I thought I had magically learned to swim (Update: my cousin saved me, and I have since learned to swim). I rode around the neighborhood, determined to surprise my mom with my awesome skills. I even decided that I could go down the big hill in the neighborhood. My skills had increased that much. I started down the hill. This isn’t so bad. I’m doing it. I’m actually doing it! Then, Woah this is fast. I didn’t think about the turn at the bottom of the hill. Crap! Then I forgot about my brakes and everything. I ran straight into a curb, flipped over my bike, and landed in a neighbor’s yard.

My brother found me with a bloody nose, cradling my aching wrist. It ended up being broken, deepening my fear and hatred of bikes. You would think my family would understand that I didn’t want to ride a bike again, but no! They decided to do a bike ride tour of Dogwood Canyon. They paid for me to do it, and I couldn’t exactly walk alone without them. I hopped on the bike and even enjoyed it for a time. But then I had to ride over this little bridge that was steeper than it looked, if I might add. After the little bridge, the path went left towards a waterfall and right towards more trail. I, however, forgot about my brakes and turning and went straight for the water in front of me. Not wanting to go into the water, I jerked the bike and fell on my butt. A bruise started forming before we even left the waterfall, and I successfully walked my bike the rest of the way.

You might be wondering why I even brought up my somewhat irrational fear of riding a bike. I am not really confronted by my bike riding fear anymore because my mom doesn’t ride very often and the “family” that always wanted to ride are no longer in my life. There are certain activities that remind me of my fear. I have discussed my cautious personality and my fear of doing things that could get me hurt. I thought that my trip to Costa Rica and the “pura vida” mindset had instantly transformed me into an adventurous person. A trip to the lake for the Fourth of July made me realize that is not accurate.

At the lake, we had to get around using jet skis. I wanted to be able to conquer the jet ski like I conquered so many things in Costa Rica. I started driving it around, and any time I went fast, I freaked out and would pull my hand off of the gas. I realized I was afraid, and I hated the lack of control that made me feel. I realized jet skiing reminded me of riding a bike. And I realized I am still a scared and cautious person.

With this realization came the same embarrassment that I have felt about not being able to ride a bike. I had a great time at the lake; my friend drove the jet ski. But underneath that fun time, I was upset with myself. I was upset that I wasn’t a whole new person just because I went to Costa Rica. I was upset that I was holding myself back from trying to drive the jet ski again. I was upset that I still have fears. I know my fears are kind of irrational, but I also know that the idea of never having fears is also irrational. Probably more so.

From this embarrassment and shame, I discovered that I need to cut myself some slack. I also realized that I want to try to ride a jet ski again. I’m not quite ready for a bike, but baby steps. This is how I discovered a change in myself. I realized that I have a desire to push myself and not let fear control my life. That is a huge difference from the person I was not that long ago. I know I am strong and capable, and I know that I want to let myself have fun.

This has been a slightly embarrassing confession, but I want to own it. Yes, I have a phobia of riding a bike, but I want to move on. I will start with a lake vehicle that is not really the same thing as a bike at all, but hey, it’s a start. That, to me, is courageous.

Pura Vida and Costa Rica

Since the last time I wrote a post, I graduated from high school, chose my future college, and traveled to Costa Rica. While all of those topics are compelling, I am going to discuss the most recent event: Costa Rica.

I embarked on a language immersion trip June 5th at 4:00 in the morning. I knew Costa Rica would be beautiful and exciting, but I didn’t quite know how much I would love it. The first region we visited was Guanacaste. Surrounded by beauty, we met our guide and Spanish teacher for the trip. We discussed our expectations and hopes. At the start, I was nervous to speak in Spanish, which is strange because that is the whole point of a language immersion trip.

We got acquainted with the group of students from Louisiana who would be joining us throughout the trip. We started to get to know our EF tour leaders. And we started to explore. We had language lessons and several tours. We visited farms and learned about sustainability. We drank the best coffee. I am not exaggerating. The coffee was so good. The nature was unbelievable. Moving from the midwest of the United States to the jungle of Costa Rica was insane. The root of every place we visited was nature. We swam in hot springs, kayaked lake Arenal, ziplined on a canopy tour, went white water rafting, and went on a boat tour of Tortuguero National Park in the pouring rain.

As with anything, I celebrated all of the little victories throughout the trip. I survived five minutes in a super hot sauna at the hot springs. Afterwards, I rubbed volcanic mud on myself, an experience that is supposed to be detoxifying. I don’t know if it worked, but I had a blast. It was something I had never done before. Each conversation I had in Spanish expanded my confidence and had me smiling, another small victory. I conquered ziplining and met some hilarious guides. I was in the front of the raft for white water rafting and didn’t fall in. I call that a success. I found perfect souvenirs. I tried amazing food. I met amazing people. I learned to dance.

My group “high-fiving” after surviving some rapids.

I will expand on that last one. Dancing was a blast. I have always felt incompetent at dancing. In Sarapiquí, we took a dance class. I learned Merengue, Salsa, and Bachata. While I was learning, I never felt judged. I was dripping sweat in the Costa Rican humidity with no idea what I was doing, but I didn’t care. I was smiling and feeling like a complete dance pro. I probably did not look like a pro, but all that mattered was that I felt like one. Earlier that day, the locals in that area showed us traditional dances and taught us how to dance with them. These young girls were generous to teach me, and they even let me wear one of their skirts. I was smiling, laughing, and dripping sweat without a care in the world.

Later on in the trip, in Tortuguero, the hotel we stayed at arranged for some people to come and teach us to dance. I learned Soca, more steps of Merengue, and more steps of Bachata. I felt lucky to have these unique experiences. I found out I really love dancing.

Costa Rica gave me cultural experiences that I will never forget as well as a better understanding of the environment and sustainability. Every person I met was kind and helpful. Deeper than the experiences were the feelings I felt when I was there. I was always happy to be in the country and learning about the people’s way of life. It struck me how easy it can be to be ungrateful. Of course I am not immune to this practice, but I was conscious of my thoughts and always trying to focus on the positive. I heard complaints the whole time I was there. We often did not have air conditioning or warm water. Again, I am not holier than thou and able to never complain, but each time I heard these things, I thought, “We are in Costa Rica. It is beautiful, and we should be grateful just to be here.” The song “Ungrateful Eyes” by Jon Bellion came to my mind. I highly recommend a listen. Any time negative thoughts creep in, think about the positives. Find a new perspective. Be grateful.

The view from a trail at Rancho Margot near La Fortuna and the Arenal volcano.

The United States is a great place to live, but there is so much we can learn from Costa Rica. I was amazed by Costa Rica’s concern for the environment. The country is taking a stance against global warming. Costa Rica survives on tourism, but it hasn’t compromised its beliefs on the environment. There are self-sustainable farms all over the place. Many hotels have solar-powered energy. The country recycles everything, even making bricks out of trash. I loved the attention to the environment and the drive of the people to make a positive impact on the earth. Not to mention, the water is completely safe to drink, without all of the chemicals.

A garden (el huerto) at one of our hotels utilized old bottles.

As you can tell, my trip was an amazing experience. As a part of the learning, we discussed Costa Rica’s catch phrase–Pura Vida. We said it numerous times throughout the trip. After some great rapids in the raft: pura vida! Meeting a tico (a Costa Rican person) at a market: pura vida! Surviving the ziplining: pura vida! You get the gist. Pura vida was the answer to everything. The last night, we discussed what pura vida meant to us. For me, pura vida transformed my life and how I view the world. I am a nervous and cautious person. I never want to do anything that could get me hurt. With this mentality, I rarely take risks. You could even say I have less fun (which I know is true). This trip showed me that it is okay to take risks and be adventurous. Not being afraid to be yourself, step out of your comfort zone, and meet new people is so rewarding. I found out that I am the type of person who can do those things, and I don’t have to be scared. Pura vida honestly changed my life.

Other themes of pura vida include positivity, kindness, and friendship. It can be whatever you need. I hope pura vida can become a big part of your life. I hope I never lose sight of what pura vida means to me. I know I want to return to Costa Rica. When I do, I will already be living pura vida instead of discovering it. So hakuna matata, don’t worry, be happy, and pura vida. Pick your anthem, and conquer the day!

Showering Change

Out from under clouds

Raindrops fall on tired ground

Eager for new life

More Time

The sun shines down on my face, giving the illusion of a perfect day. Rays of light try to disguise the overall pain I feel. I walk along the path, on a mission. I want to see someone I haven’t seen in a while. I want to talk to him and tell him that I have time for him. I want to reminisce about the snow days where he attached my sled to his four-wheeler and drove me around. I hear only my breathing and the chirping of the birds. Oh what a happy day, I say to myself, my sarcasm doing nothing to deter the birds. My footsteps echo on the beaten path in between the perfectly groomed grounds.

This time when I look up from staring at my feet, I see flowers. Every shade, every breed, every size gazing up at me from their spots tucked into the ground. It is apparent that someone recently placed them here. Maybe they were put here for me. What a selfish thought. I scold myself and continue on, unwilling to enjoy this bright day. How could I?

I decided to park far away to give myself time to think. I run over my talking points in my head. I want to tell him that I love him. That is first and foremost. Next, I want to tell him that I’m sorry. I am sorry for avoiding him in the mornings when I just wasn’t feeling a conversation. I am sorry for not telling him how much I appreciate him. Regrets are easy to get stuck on, but I will try to change up the conversation and tell him how grateful I am that I was able to meet him, that he was able to be a part of my life.

With every step, I get closer to him, closer to the pain and excitement I am feeling. My breath catches in my throat, and I have to take a pause. I don’t know if I am ready. I realize that I spent so much time observing the day and not enough time mentally preparing for this moment. The wounds are still fresh and throbbing. My chest tightens while my stomach turns. I know that he thinks that I am strong. I know I am strong. I can do this.

Nearing the turnoff for his plot, I pray a silent prayer, Please help me. I don’t know if I can do this. Past memories start to cloud my brain, and I wish them away. I can’t let them ruin this moment. I need to be strong, just like he was. My footsteps quicken as I see his spot, my excitement building. I am so ready to see him again, to talk to him again. Now only a few steps away, I think, This is right. This is what this day was preparing me for.

I step up to him. The sun is staring at me from the sky, seemingly cheering me on. The birds keep chirping encouragement and advice. The flowers sparkle and meet my eye. They say that I am ready. I set down the Shohin tree that I brought for him. I close my eyes. I picture him in front of me, standing with open arms. In my mind, I give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I see his smile, see the tears in his eyes. I know he is as happy to see me as I am to see him.

I smell his cologne mixed with his sweat after planting trees all through the neighborhood. I see his skin, slightly damaged from years in the sun and a shade of reddish tan. I feel his strong grip as he hugs me again. I hear his husky voice, I am happy to see you.

You have no idea, I think back. I feel a tear fall from beneath my closed eyelid onto my cheek, warm from the sun. I dive right in. I tell him a mix of I miss you, I’m sorry, and how are you, my rehearsed points gone with the wind. I also update him on what life is like here now, without him. I tell him it is lonely and sad. I tell him, Abuelo, why now? Maybe I need to ask God, but I want to know the reason.

He smiles back at me, I have no answers for you mija. I can only tell you that I am okay, and that you are okay. We will be reunited. Until then, live your life with the sun on your face and no apologies on your lips. The tears flow freely now. I squeeze my eyes shut, not willing to open them and see my abuelo disappear again from my life. Just when I think the tears will subside, a sob racks my body. My stomach flips and my cheeks are coated with a brand new collection of tears. Abuelo looks at me and tells me, Mija, you are okay. I am not gone. I will always be with you. Te extraño y te quiero.

Then my imagination betrays me, and he is gone. A new wave of pain hits, debilitating and fierce. I take a moment to compose myself and feel the warmth in the air start to dry my tears. I breathe deeply in tune with the singsong of the birds. I turn to the tree I brought for abuelo. I show it to his headstone and look for the perfect place to plant it. Careful not to step on him, I find the perfect place. Someone planted vivid flowers around the edges of his headstone, leaving a single space big enough for the tree. When I begin digging a whole, the birds chirp as if to say, You have found the spot. He will love it.

I feel the dirt in my hands. I hold it there to tell myself that this is reality. That I am as real as the dirt. The soil cakes in my fingernails. I keep removing dirt until I am left with a hole big enough for the Shohin. I remove the tree from its temporary home and place it in its forever home. My tears christen the soil. As I push the dirt up around the trunk of the miniscule tree, my body is warmed by the sun. The birds tell me that I am okay. The flowers show me that I am at peace in this moment. Now my tears flow in reverie at this beautiful experience. I know that abuelo is here with me. I know that he is enjoying this day too and all of the guilt fades away.

We sit, together, admiring the Shohin and the sun and the birds and the flowers. We don’t have to say anything; we both are perfectly happy at this time. The sun starts to fall in the sky, letting me know that it is time to go. I am so filled with joy that I can’t be sad that I have to leave him again. We had a wonderful afternoon together, and he knows that I will be back. And I know that he will never leave me. He is smiling down at me from the sky, speaking to me through the winged creatures, and showing me his love through the plants.

I kiss him goodbye and tell him that I will be back again tomorrow. I begin the trek back to my car. My footsteps echo on the beaten path as the light fades into darkness.