There’s too many to count
too much to say
Would anyone want to hear it anyway?
I feel frustrated
Angry
Sad
And Scared
I feel like the wind has been knocked out of my lungs
And it’s just day one
There’s too many to count
too much to say
Would anyone want to hear it anyway?
I feel frustrated
Angry
Sad
And Scared
I feel like the wind has been knocked out of my lungs
And it’s just day one
There I am again—in the old greenhouse, where the smell of rose and lavender used to overwhelm me, calm me, make me sane. It’s the smell of my grandmother—the place we used to spend our time. She would teach me how to water the flowers—“Not too much or you’ll drown them.” She would cut the stems and pile them up on the white table that matched the white paneling of the greenhouse walls. The humid air created the perfect atmosphere for my flower arranging lessons.
I would pick up a rose, perfectly pink with a bright green stem, its thorns evenly spaced and far apart, inviting me to hold it and contemplate my next move. Then I would grab a lavender flower, putting the blossoms together in my hand first. I would add some greenery and keep building. Finally when my hands were full and the flowers reflected the way I was feeling that day—as my grandma always said bouquets should do—I would fit them to a vase, one of the many lined up high on the shelf in the back corner of the greenhouse next to the big, industrial sink.
Once my flowers were on display, I would call my grandma over from her position watering or weeding or planting new bulbs. Then she would come over, keeping her eyes on the ground, using her hand to shield them from seeing the arrangement prematurely. When her feet were nearly to the white table, she would lift her head, taking the flowers in all at once.
“I think you’re feeling love and excitement,” she said one day. I shook my head no.
“Elation and affection?” she tried again.
“Those are just synonyms,” I laughed.
We would continue the trend until she finally landed on the correct answer. That day’s blend was contentment and joy, which was exactly how I felt any time I got to spend time with her.
Other days we would sit with a cup of tea, looking out the many windows of the greenhouse as the rain poured outside. She would tell me jokes that would have me laughing until my cheeks hurt and my throat ached. Sometimes her jokes were a bit raunchy, and she would look at me sheepishly and tell me not to repeat them. I wouldn’t attempt it anyway—I couldn’t tell them like she could.
Now as I sit at that white table, I picture what my bouquet would express today—sadness and pain. I don’t even think that type of arrangement deserves flowers, maybe just the stems full of thorns peeking out of the vase as if to say, “Fuck off.”
Tears fall and a deep ache opens up inside me. I look around the empty greenhouse, the flowers wilted and dying. It’s like they know she’s gone, too. I allow my petals to fall off in the old greenhouse like the roses and lavender blooms before me. Inside the greenhouse walls, I no longer need to feign the ability to continue living, to keep going, because “that’s what she would have wanted.” Instead, I tell the critics in my head that I am fucking sad, and I allow myself to cry. I allow myself to dwell on the pain. I allow my chest to heave, my nose to run, my eyes to overflow with salty tears. I allow my legs to give way beneath me, and I lay in a ball on the dirt floor of the greenhouse.
I close my eyes and remember the days in there with her. I remember her sweatshirts embroidered with different flowers. I bring my chin to my chest and smell her smell on the purple sweatshirt I grabbed from her closet as we went through her things. Roses, lavender, lilies, peonies—they all have a place on the worn fabric. It was her favorite one to wear, and now it is mine—I am an extension of her.
I hear the door to the greenhouse open behind me, but I do not look up. I feel my mother’s arms pull me close and pet my hair. I feel her tears fall on the top of my head. We stay like this as the soil dries up around us and the flowers droop.
A little girl, maybe three feet tall, sits in the stroller that her father pushes, poised to jump out, eyeing the little playground at the newly renovated Franklin Square Park.
Her white dress has a blue and green flowery pattern, its long sleeves hiked up to her elbows. Her grey leggings complement the dress and keep her legs warm on this breezy October afternoon. Her black, curly hair is short, her ears exposed. Her dainty sandals have a strap that goes around her heel, keeping them in place while she explores the play area.
The new Franklin Square Park playground has a wide metal slide, which seems to be the little girl’s favorite part. Her dad sits across from the slide, phone poised, smiling. Once she’s sure he’s watching, she slides down, yelling, “Whee!”
A few moments later, she comes galloping back up, ready to give the slide another go. This time she starts to slide, changes her mind, turns onto her stomach and grabs the top to keep from going down. She gives up and makes the slide down, slowly, with her arms outstretched, her back to her dad.
Elsewhere in the park squirrels dart in and out of the grass, looking for nuts. A white dog is on a leash, his owner appears to be ready for a business meeting in a blue button-down and navy slacks. He looks at the dog, impatient.
The dog does not give his owner a second look. Instead he focuses his eyes on the squirrel standing in the grass. They have a brief staring contest. The dog slowly takes steps towards the fluffy creature, careful not to alert it.
When the dog sees the squirrel begin to catch on, he lunges, chasing the squirrel through the grass. The squirrel disappears up a tree, leaving the dog confused. The confusion lasts only for a moment, and then the dog gets distracted by another furry friend.
People sit at the gray metal tables and chairs in the center of the park. Some chat over coffee, others lunch. Their conversations are lost in the sounds of the city that serve as the backdrop for the urban greenspace. Trucks rush by, and distant beeps ring out as a vehicle reverses.
The only word to make it through the blanket of city sounds is the occasional “whee” from the little girl, still sliding down the metal decline, the giddiness of the quick ride never getting old.
The slight autumn breeze brings a chill. The mosquitoes circle the exposed skin of my legs as I sit on the brown wooden slats of the bench. All across the park, benches just like mine seat a different pair of legs, some two pairs.
An older woman walks by slowly, pushing a gray stroller with no one in it. A toddler, approximately two feet tall, walks behind the woman, perhaps her grandmother.
Her pink t-shirt tucked into her gray sweatpants matches her pink sneakers. Her black hair is short, and her hand is outstretched, pointing at the woman in red talking on the phone at the bench to my left.
When she sees me, I wave, piquing her interest. She starts my way, her companion walking behind her. I say, “Hi.”
The girl’s caretaker says, “Maya, go say hi to this woman.”
The toddler comes meandering my way, already distracted by something behind me. It turns out she and the white dog have a shared interest–squirrels. She looks at the squirrels clinging to the big tree to my right. The woman says hi to me on her way by and begins pointing out the squirrels to her small companion.
Six park workers wear red shirts, black pants, and red-and-black hats. They have name tags and the words “Franklin Park Ambassador” written on their uniforms. Across the park, they push bright red trash cans and pick up litter. They talk to park-goers, seeming genuinely interested in their conversations.
There are many diverse faces in the park–all ages, races, genders. A group of three people, two men and a woman, walk by speaking Spanish before sitting with their coffees at a table near the empty fountain.
At a table to their left, three people sit to eat lunch pulled from a large brown bag. Behind them, caution tape is strewn haphazardly around a tree. At the long brown bench across from the caution-taped tree there is more caution tape and a silver chain-link fence. A green construction machine sits empty.
I hear the clink, clink, clink of a man doing work on that center area. On the edge of the park, behind the play area, two guys adorned in yellow vests do other work. The soon-to-be restaurant also contains workers in yellow, showing that the renovations are not quite done.
As I get up to leave, I decide to walk the long way out, behind the playground and on a looping path to the center of the park. The little girl stands at the top of the slide again, ready to ride it down to the bottom.
Her dad stands by a wooden playground structure, his short-sleeve navy shirt showing off a tattoo on his right bicep. His white pants and white sneakers complement the white of his daughter’s dress.
“Daddy, I don’t think this was a good idea,” she says, preparing to go down the slide on her stomach, head first. She’s smiling, and she slowly pushes herself off the edge and down the slide.
I walk to exit the park at the corner of 14th and I, hearing “whee!” over the drum of the city.
People sleep
In the dark
In the cold
outside
People sleep
In the dark
Bundled up and warm
inside
People live
To survive
People live
To thrive
People die
Because of the color of their skin
Because protection under the law is not guaranteed to them
Because people in power do not represent them,
do not celebrate them,
do not see them
People die
Because of old age
Because they lived a full life of protections and privilege
Because that is what happens at the end of life for them, not in the middle
People shout
Our Lives Matter
Black Lives Matter
I Can’t Breathe
As they take to the streets to demand justice
To demand equality
To demand safety and opportunity
People shout
Obscenities laced with racism
A product of privilege and ignorance
An embarrassment to society that is all too common
People cry
In the wake of the death of their loved ones
In the wake of the state of the country
In the wake of what this country was built on
And what it tries so desperately to forget and deny and suppress
People cry
When they learn the truth
When they try to understand
When they acknowledge their part
People unite
With the understanding that not everyone can understand
But that change is necessary
And acknowledgement is vital
That reparations start with a collective apology
A collective confession
A collective frame shift
A call to action
A Revolution
Led by the people
The people who have needed the world to affirm
that Their Lives Matter
“It’s not your fault.”
Fear
Guilt
“It’s not your fault.”
Shame
Pain
“It’s not your fault.”
Denial
Delusion
“It’s not your fault.”
Pleading
Screaming
“It’s not your fault.”
Deafening
Sickening
“It’s not your fault.”
Numb
Empty
“It’s not your fault.”
But it is
I sink lower
and
lower
The sand in my head
Pulls me in
Each grain is coarse
It reaches all of me
Scratching me
I lean into the discomfort
I deserve it
I fall
deeper
Letting the sand
s e t t l e
When I emerge
Soft and smooth
Refreshed
The coarse sand is washed away
with the
waves
I am left with reckless desire
It threatens to break me
A waning wish, ever so dire
I give in, letting it take me higher
Hoping to find you, hoping to see
I am left with reckless desire
Red gleams in the flames of the fire
I remember your wish to stay, your quiet plea
A waning wish, ever so dire
I see the ripped fabric on the barbed wire
My regret is crushing; I did not foresee
I am left with reckless desire
You’re gone and there’s no rectifier
My heart pleads but there’s no guarantee
A waning wish, ever so dire
I see the tears; you’re not the only crier
The waves crash on the sand of the sea
I am left with reckless desire
A waning wish, ever so dire
The light shines, glistens on the pond
The green so sweet; I’ve grown so fond
A bird chirps and sings her melody
A dream so near, an approaching remedy
The sky so bright, a sacred bond
A fear so big for what’s beyond
I don’t want to leave, to end this song
Nature floats, a sight so heavenly
The light shines, glistens on the pond
Mother calls, waves her heavy wand
A change too big, my future pawned
Here I want to be so desperately
Taken too soon, rooted in tragedy
I promise to return, to correspond
The light shines, glistens on the pond
This is my last post in this series. I am so grateful to the people who read my poems, and I hope everyone enjoyed them. I am very glad I did this series because I was able to get into a routine of posting every day. I love the therapeutic nature of poetry, and I will definitely carry that into other posts on my blog. Here’s to more content more often!
Day 30: Untitled
A blanket of clouds
snuggled up
An escape from the never-ending bombardment of the screen
The cold air
pushes me closer
to the pillowy, soft fortress
I close my eyes
willing myself to sleep
my mind wanders
the desire to sleep fades
as I begin planning my entire future
Day 29: “Spring Allergies”
Fuzziness
Stuffiness
inhabits my brain
and nose
and throat
The sky is bright
the trees have bloomed
outside is oh so inviting
But I lock myself in
stare out the window
breathing normally
enjoying the view
Spring is here
Day 28: “In the Heights”
A day
in the heights
seeing people
and the neighborhood
el barrio
at risk of gentrification
but teeming with life
unlikely conversations on street corners with strangers
upstanders and venders
observers and actors
I capture it all
with my camera
Day 27: “Change is a Four-Letter Word”
Change is a four-letter word
I don’t mean big, monumental, societal change
That’s good and important and necessary
I’m talking about day-to-day change
The stuff that messes up what you planned in your head
It’s as little as what you’ll have for breakfast
Or as big as getting two job opportunities
instead of the one you were planning on
This change can still be good and important
and I know it’s necessary
But I don’t like it!
Day 26: “Laundry”
The laundry pile grows
I move it out in the open
so I have to stare it down as I go through my day
Who will win the staring contest?
The stubborn adult
or the ever-growing, ever-flowing
pile of clothes
The desire for clean sheets almost forces me to retire
Then I remember
to check the linen closet
I make my bed and look to the pile as if to say,
“Your move.”