Day 163: “Fear is a Synonym of Grief”
Grief is a lot of things
But a big one is fear
Fear of absence of physical presence
Fear of being left all alone
Fear of the unknown
Of having to be resilient
Of being pushed to resilience
Fear of missing someone
Every day
So badly
It hurts to your core
Fear of being in pain
Fear of the despair this pain brings
Fear of not being able to crawl out
Of the dark hole
Of loneliness
Sadness
Deep, deep despair
Of loss
It can really be debilitating if you let it
Day 160: “Good Grief”
Good grief
Why do they say good grief?
Is it ever good?
Day 156: “Grief Has No Age Limit”
Younger me
is grieving too
Grieving her kitty
Grieving her best friend
Grieving the sweet kitten she found in the tree out front
The one she fed and brought home
The one she cuddled with
And made a space for
The one she came home to from school
And pet
And chatted with
The one she listened to purring
As she drifted off to sleep
Younger me needs to curl up
With her stuffed animals
Watch “Hannah Montana”
And cry
Day 151: “Out of Practice”
I haven’t jumped in several days
I hope I still remember how
Day 150: “I Don’t Know”
I don’t know how to be right now
Don’t know what to do
Where to look
What to say
I don’t know where I am right now
What I’m doing
Who I am
I don’t know
I should drink water
I’m getting a headache
Let me turn out the light and try to go some sleep
Day 149: “Box”
We had to go back today
To the vet
To pick up our girl
I’m glad she’s home
But it’s strange to have her life
Reduced to a box of ashes
I kiss the box
Imagining I’m kissing her
Willing her to feel it
To know I love her
To know I miss her
Day 148: “Hole”
There’s a hole in our apartment
Not a physical crater
Depression
But a space where she was
It’s empty
Flat
Sad
Quiet
Way too quiet
Everywhere I look
I want her to be there
My pillow has never felt so cold
I’ve never felt so cold
Day 145: “Gone”
The day I’ve been dreading finally came
We had to say goodbye
Have to go on living
Without her
I don’t know how to do this
How to breathe
How to exist
Without her
Fifteen years
She was with me for my first period
Through high school
My senior year of college
My first apartment
My first relationship
She kept me company
Always
My heart is broken
I found her when I was nine
I brought her home
Fell in love with her
I think she fell in love with me too
Where do we go from here?
How do I function?
How do I live?
I’ll try not to drown
In my ocean of tears
As I listen to the recording of her purrs on my phone
Day 143: “Wake”
Death isn’t the end of life
For those left behind
It’s not the end of sunshine
It clouds things
But the sun does come out again
It’s not the end of joy
The end of light
The end of levity
It’s not the end of love
Of closeness
Of connection
It’s not the end because there are memories
There is the remembrance of joy
Of love
Of lightness
There was the laughter
That comes back again
When you remember
There is immeasurable pain
That’s for sure
But there is always love
Faking It Made 