Author: Hanlod

A Poem a Day: a Series – Day 57

Day 57: “Summer”

I get why there are seasons

I understand that in order to fully appreciate the cold

We need the heat

And vice versa

But

I hate the heat

Therefore I hate summer

I can’t differentiate the summer from the heat

From the constant sweating

The discomfort

The blazing sun

The sunburn

I get heat rash from being outside for two minutes

I get bug bites from being outside for two minutes

I get annoyed from being outside for two minutes

I think I could deal with it when I was younger

Because I didn’t have school

But I always ended up being excited to go back

Excited for fall

Now

As an adult

There is no summer vacation

And I think that’s horrific

I know I need to get over it

Complaining won’t change it

But

Maybe

Just maybe

If I’m loud enough

The season will change

And it’ll start to get cooler

I get the feeling that will happen

If I keep complaining for just a couple more months

A Poem a Day: a Series – Day 55

Day 55: “Smelling the Good”

I’ve got a strong smeller

I get it from my mom

We think she got all of my aunt’s smelling capabilities

Because she was born without a sense of smell

It can be good to have a good sense of smell

Warm chocolate cookies baking in the oven

The salty breeze as the ocean sways and moves along the beach

The smell of rain coming, or just stopping

There’s downsides too

Walking down the street, you can’t ignore the smell of dog shit

You have to hold your breath as runners go by so as to not be accosted by their body odor

Foul smells from outside while you’re driving hit your nose and stay there

I can always smell something

Especially if it’s bad

If my partner smells it too, then I know it’s really bad

I should try to focus my attention on good smells

Try to find the good

Even if I can’t help but get a whiff of urine on the street corner

A Poem a Day: a Series – Day 54

Day 54: “Places”

Places can be industrial

Dark

Rigid

Or green

Organic

Flowy

Or hard

Grey

High

Or open

Expansive

Eccentric

They can be warm

Inviting

Welcoming

Or all of the above

I love going for a walk near my apartment

Leaving the tall buildings

Stark cityscape

And moving through an industrial

Roadway area

To a community space

With greenery

Trees

But still near the railroad

The river in the distance

Low planes flying overhead

Places mix

Coexist

Even complement

I love it

A Poem a Day: a Series – Day 53

Day 53: “Musicality”

What does music do for you?

For me

It sets me free

From my mind

My worries

My rollercoaster

It helps me feel

Joy

Sadness

Grief

It makes me

Laugh

Cry

Smile

It makes me so happy I could cry

So sad I could smile

It confuses me

Makes me think

Connects with me

Connects me

It makes me dance

Sing

Move

It fills me

Expands me

Releases me

I feel

Again

Again

Again

Never ending

Always discovering

Me

Press play

And melt

Jump

Cry

Laugh

Stop

Go

Relax

Energize

Then come back down to earth

A Poem a Day: a Series – Day 52

Day 52: “Routine”

I’ve never been good at routine

One low energy day

One low energy hour

One low energy second

And I abandon all that’s good for me

I revert

To old patterns

Even if they don’t serve me

I’d rather

Have my new routines

Be my fallback

How do I get there?

Repetition

And

Routine

Or maybe it starts with intention

I intend to build better habits

There

It’s solved

A Poem a Day: a Series – Day 51

Day 51: “Empty Battery”

It’s hard to be social

When you’re tired

Especially when you’re introverted

That battery is empty

But there are people all around

Do you think it’s okay to take a nap?

It’s the worst

to be a people pleasing

introvert

I need to take time to myself

But I feel bad about it

I need to work on that

A Poem a Day: a Series – Day 50

Day 50: “Best Friends Forever”

My best friend from childhood is getting married today

Second grade was when we really became close

Started a band on the playground by the fence where the honeysuckle grew

Named ourselves the Honeysuckle Band because we were 7

Over the years

We started a covert, spy operation

Called the Secret Crazy Club, or SCC

Our spy names were Colby Shae Williamson

And Misty Ray Scherzinger

Very convincing

I shot her brother with a BB gun once

Well five times but in one instance

We’d watch SpongeBob together

It was her favorite but my mom didn’t let me watch it

So we’d come home from school,

She’d put the pizza rolls in the microwave

And we’d go downstairs to her giant movie room complete with recliners

And watch

We’d also watch My Strange Addiction in her room

I didn’t watch much TLC at home,

Only at hers

We’d play band hero for hours

Her on drums

Me on vocals

Jamming to She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5, her favorite song

We made a cardboard house once

Upstairs on the balcony by her room that overlooked the living room

We were coloring the cardboard with sharpies and we dropped one

It fell onto the couch below, making a small mark on the leather

We were terrified

Went into problem-solving mode

Ended up organizing the pillows just so and never saying a word

I don’t even think her parents ever noticed

When she turned 8,

I got her an outfit just like mine

And we went to Haruno for sushi, matching

Then we had a sleepover

And the next day, she had an outfit for me

Just like hers

Twinzies!

I still, to this day, cannot eat Cool Ranch Doritos

Because one day

We ate a whole big bag of them

And then spun each other in an office chair

Until we’d get dizzy and couldn’t really walk

We thought it was so funny

Until I was nauseous for hours

I can’t even stand the smell of those Doritos anymore

We saw Coraline together in theaters

We loved it so much

Only in adulthood did I realize I love that movie so much because I related to Coraline

Loneliness, curiosity, independence

And wanted to be like her

Strong, brave, resilient

In high school, we drifted

Hung out in different crowds

We’d still say hi and be glad to see each other

But it wasn’t the same

Until early college,

I can’t remember what prompted us to set it up

Maybe an IG post or our moms running into each other

But we planned to get together when I was home next

And we sat at The Aviary, talking for hours

We realized that we both had come out of religion

Were thinking for ourselves

And unpacking religious trauma

We helped each other

Saw each other

Understood each other

Since then, we’ve been such an amazing support to each other

Helping each other learn to trust ourselves

Learn to stand up for ourselves

Learn to love ourselves

Unlearn what we were taught about our worth growing up in the church

I’m so grateful for her

It’s incredible to know someone

From being young, eating pizza rolls and watching SpongeBob

To growing up, coming out of a negative, painful, toxic cult-like religion

We go way back and not as far back

But we’re growing together

Unpacking trauma together

We do monthly FaceTimes

Since we live so far away

And I love the quality time

Being there for each other

I’m forever thankful for that day at The Aviary

Bringing us back together

To be there for each other in a new way

I’m so excited for her and her almost husband

There’s so much love

And a beautiful life together

And I’ll look forward to our next FaceTime when they’re back from their honeymoon

A Poem a Day: a Series – Day 49

Day 49: “Parasite”

Guilt was instilled in me young

By my father

By the Father

Everything I did I did for others

Never taught to listen to me

Never taught to trust me

Never taught to love me

“Me me me”

“You’re selfish,

Devilish,

Of the flesh”

That’s what they said

What they say

A look in the mirror

Would destroy them

I never knew pleasure

Independence

Strength

Myself

That’s how control works

Questioning is only okay if you come back to the Truth

Ritualistic chants

Drink of the blood

Lifelong contracts

Give me money

All your money

You’re bad

Bad

Bad

But just five easy payments of your soul

Will make you good enough

Good

Good

Just like that

Bow your head

Give yourself

Wholly

Until there’s nothing left

A Poem a Day: a Series – Day 48

Day 48: “Process”

It’s interesting what gets left on the cutting room floor

I try to keep an open mind

Write from the heart

But sometimes

I just need to delete

And rewrite

And try again

I started today’s poem with

“I wish I was a witch

And sisters with Sandra Bullock”

Which I liked, but how do you follow that?

What do you write next?

Then I started a poem about gluttony

And that stopped right when it started for obvious reasons

Now

What’s left?

Something pretty meta

And I’m okay with that