Day 157: “Inside My Brain”
Crickets
My brain is currently crickets
Well actually it’s bees
And flies
Swarming
There’s noise and wind and stickiness and
It’s a ruckus
The sun is shining, though
There’s open fields
Wildflowers
Swarming and buzzing and swarming and buzzing
And the occasional cricket
When I lose my train of thought
Or lose the inspiration
Flies and swarming bees
I’d like quiet
And to not be at risk of being bitten or stung
Day 152: “Travel Ritual”
Why is it
That every time I go out of town
I fall apart before
I have to get everything done
And somehow I left everything for the last minute
As I’m writing this
I need to do the dishes
Put my clothes away
And pack
But I think I’ll just watch Secret Lives of Mormon Wives with my boyfriend
I can sleep on the bus
Day 144: “Not My Day”
I don’t feel good today
I don’t feel great
I don’t feel like doing anything
I don’t feel like staying awake
I think I’ll close my eyes
Try to sleep it off
And hope for better tomorrow
Day 110: “Day Trip”
1.5 hours on the metro
What to do?
I brought a book
But I never got it out
Because I was afraid I’d miss my stop
Instead I just meandered around my phone
Opening and closing apps
Waiting for the announcer to say, “This is Silver Spring”
Day 96: “Not Feeling”
I don’t really feel like being witty
I don’t feel like being smart
I don’t feel like cracking jokes
I don’t feel like cracking smiles
But I also don’t feel like frowning
I don’t feel like pouting
I’m in an in-between place
The air is still
There is no sound
No time
I don’t feel like caring
I don’t feel like being numb
Maybe I’m just overwhelmed
By the state of the world
By everyday life
Maybe I just need a break
Day 25: “Anxiety”
My brain likes to make up stories
Not fun, heartwarming
Tuck-your-kids-in-bed kind of stories
No, they’re unnecessary
Disturbing
Wake-up-screaming kind of stories
Like why do I have a recurring thought that my cat will make it onto my balcony
And fall off
And why did I have a different thought today that my dog
(Who lives with my mom back home)
Would make it onto my balcony
(But in my head it wasn’t even my balcony—it looked different)
And jump onto my patio furniture
(That I don’t have)
And step onto the concrete ledge
(My balcony has steel bars)
And fall off
Horrifying
Unnecessary
Yet involuntary
I didn’t ask to have that thought
Yet it happened
I just have to pray I’m not psychic
And hope it’s just anxiety
Day 16: “Tell Me”
Tell me why
My heart palpitates
And races
For seemingly no reason
Tell me why
I get stressed
Because the kitchen towel
Isn’t where it should be
Tell me why
I can’t handle conflict
It stresses me out
When people disrespect me
Because I know that addressing it
Will be uncomfortable
Tell me why
I forget to breathe
And I get a headache
Because my brain isn’t getting the oxygen it needs
Tell me why
I neglect myself
When I’m busy
Or am talking to others
Or am doing literally anything
Tell me why
It’s so hard
To find the energy
To do anything
Tell me how
To fix it
Faking It Made 