Day 149: “Box”
We had to go back today
To the vet
To pick up our girl
I’m glad she’s home
But it’s strange to have her life
Reduced to a box of ashes
I kiss the box
Imagining I’m kissing her
Willing her to feel it
To know I love her
To know I miss her
Day 148: “Hole”
There’s a hole in our apartment
Not a physical crater
Depression
But a space where she was
It’s empty
Flat
Sad
Quiet
Way too quiet
Everywhere I look
I want her to be there
My pillow has never felt so cold
I’ve never felt so cold
Day 145: “Gone”
The day I’ve been dreading finally came
We had to say goodbye
Have to go on living
Without her
I don’t know how to do this
How to breathe
How to exist
Without her
Fifteen years
She was with me for my first period
Through high school
My senior year of college
My first apartment
My first relationship
She kept me company
Always
My heart is broken
I found her when I was nine
I brought her home
Fell in love with her
I think she fell in love with me too
Where do we go from here?
How do I function?
How do I live?
I’ll try not to drown
In my ocean of tears
As I listen to the recording of her purrs on my phone
Day 89: “Cappa Jo”
When I lay my head
on my pillow
where my cat is waiting
purring
I sink into her calmness
and in that moment
everything is okay
As I lay
listening to her purrs
my headache goes away
my neck relaxes
my eyes close
my hands trace her soft fur
I feel okay
I feel whole
I feel loved
I feel like everything is going to be okay
Day 39: “Manifestation”
When I was 8
my ex-stepsister (at the time she was my stepsister, but she’s not anymore)
had a stuffed cat that was curled into a sleeping ball
the cat was brown with black markings
and when you put batteries in it,
it breathed
its stomach would rise and fall
and it would purr
I loved that thing
When I was 9
I heard a kitten crying in our tree out front
I waited
and finally
she ran out from under to the house next door
she had beautiful black markings
part bengal, we found out later
I fed her and my ex-stepdad (he was my stepdad at the time, but he’s not anymore)
said we could keep her
Now she’s 14
living with me and my partner
when I feel lonely
I cuddle with her
and lay my head on her stomach as it rises and falls with her breath
and she purrs
that’s what peace feels like
then she gets annoyed with me
and gets up to leave me
but first,
I hug her
and kiss her
and tell her I love her
Faking It Made 